Monday, January 31, 2011

...And Then He asked Me

Today is Monday the 31st.  What an exciting day... it is... and it is the fourth day in a row I have felt this almost overwhelming... excitement....peace... encouragement... hope... inside of me.

After Parker passed away, I stopped having my period for months... three months, and too afraid to be devastated if I were wrong, I prayed throughout that time I was pregnant and believed.  I was, proclaimed by the display of a couple tests.... not pregnant at all.  I was diagnosed without any testing by Dr Barrette with PCOS, which I understand why... no ovulation for three months and my uterine lining was starting to grow outside of my cervix due to no period, thus, no shedding.  He started me on Progesterone and then birth control right away.  I did not know there was any other way.  Nothing else was discussed for now.  He said that when I was ready to get pregnant next year was when he would do the PCOS laproscopy testing that costs thousands of dollars and has the potential to release eggs into forced ovulation and get pregnant then.  All that sounded scary to me, but apparently I had no choice.

Here it is over three months after the fact.  If it were up to me, I would have been pregnant right away after our baby passed.  I know that many people think that it may be to replace what was.... it is not.  It is unbearable for a Mother to not mother... it is unfathomable even though I live it, to live life as if I never were a mommy to the sweetest baby.... as if I never held my son.... I can't go back to working in Tulsa where I was, drinking often, smoking, living with nothing to show for it... empty... my life has become so much more than it was before him... but I didn't know what to do now that THAT is no longer acceptable to me but my dreams WERE that little boy, being his mother, raising him with my beautiful husband... it was the greatest gift, being a mother... but Jason wasn't ready again. Jason would wait years for our next... I feel as though THAT is what I am meant to do now... that is my dream now...

This last Thursday, I went to get a second opinion on the PCOS with blood tests from Dr Steelmon... I have heard many things about her and felt great the first time I entered her office.  I waited on the day of my appointment two and a half hours for her, and Jason ended up getting off early!  So, he came for me. I was glad because I was so nervous.  I didn't want to be on birth control and needed to hear what to do. She said that the tests did not show any suspiciousness in my blood.  She could not rule out PCOS but no signs were in my blood work. She believed that I would not have another sick baby and said to get on 4000 mcg of folic acid just to prevent birth defects in my next baby and start taking a prenatal vitamin.  She said that if I were not pregnant in a month or have ovulation then she would put me on hormones instead of waiting months.... and I just felt good... positive.

When we were leaving, my husband told me while smiling that he was ready.  He wants to have a baby. He is ready to try now.  Now it is day four since then, and I am still so happy.  Everything is right now.  We are married...  we pray... I want the Lord to bless us and let us be fruitful and the glory be to His name forever.  In Jesus name I ask for the conception of our second child, that he/she be a healthy life.  Amen.

Thank you Lord that you have blessed me with such a wonderful husband and he is a good father.  Be with me Lord. I will keep my mind on You.  Bless my womb Lord. Thank You for the adventure this will be! To God be the glory!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Afternoon

So, I am happy to say that my grandma DID surprise me and get home the day she said she would.  She surprised me with a phone call that evening after arriving home.

Jason has been off since Thursday... not sure why he took vacation really, but I guess he just needed extra time to relax.  Hope he feels as though he has done that.

I am sipping coffee and looking through images of blue living rooms to solve the battle of decor in mine.  It seems various shades of blue, white, grays, and blacks win out with pops of bright color.  Brown goes.  Okay.

I am without any thoughts on anything today... went to bed last night feeling agitation running through my blood as I like to put it.  When I can't tell where it came from (the cause) and my mind is looking through things that could justify the anger when there is none presently taking place... it starts taking inventory-if you will, of the memories of any recent hurt in my head... my mother-in-law comes in a lot.  However, I have to remind myself of forgiveness and that I am just upset.  There is no reason today.  The only thing causing it is alot of hurt in the past, so I am used to being resentful, of myself and others, feeling guilt, anger, hurt... but today I only have the feelings... there is no cause.  Thank the Lord, today is just a choice to no longer feel those past wounds... and everything is fine.

So I went  to bed like that last night.

Thank you Father, this day has none of that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Housework and More Housework

So today was an at-home, do nothing-but-the-house type of day.  I have gotten almost all of the laundry done, thank goodness.  I have cleaned and reorganized the kitchen, and cooked Jason and nutritious dinner of roasted duck, mashed potatoes, and fresh vegetables sauteed (green beans, cabbage, spinach, and mushrooms).  Very delicious.

My grandma sounds good.  Not sure if she is really doing well, but I believe in God as our creator and healer among so many other things so I will believe in what I do not see.  She is in good spirits, thinking she will be home this evening but I am sure it will be tomorrow at the earliest.

Zumba was wonderful.  It was medium intensity cardio dance moves.  I am not the most coordinated with learning moves but most of it was do-able... only one or two moves had me so confused and overwhelmed I had to stop and regroup.  I left hot, my muscles burning, and ready for bed.  Apparently so since I slept twelve hours!!!!  Being sore from volleyball the evening before must have helped with needing to recuperate from all the activity, because crossing my arms over my chest to pull my shirt overhead before taking a shower sure reminded me how much volleyball works your arms out.  I feel pretty good today, not feeling too sore as I complete my chores.  Well, more things to do.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Oh Zumba, You're Like My Nighty Night Tea

.... where volley ball, which was awesome, kept me up for hours on a high of energy, Zumba wore me out to the point where when I got home I just fell on the couch.... and I love it.  Love them both, actually.  I am so happy to have them both in my life now.  They both kick my butt into shape in two totally different ways.  Whew... I am going to bed after that.  I am exhausted.  Will have to write later about anything else.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Garlic Chicken with Creamy Asian Salad

Yea, I have finally become a fan of salad again... funny, even when I think about a salad I am just turned off.  Completely.  Regardless, I toss one up with my meat of choice and am usually won over by it.  I have not liked them since my pregnancy with Parker.  Parker's birthday on Thursday went alright.  Bittersweet.  We, Jason and I, napped most of the evening away and were both still tired enough to go to bed early.

Today, I went to get blood drawn at the Dr's office.  I had to have my glucose, insulin, and thyroid checked to see if I have any factors present to accompany a different Dr's diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  I think she may do an ultrasound as well??? I don't know.  I get the results back on Thursday when I see her for my actual appointment.

My grandma Compton is in the hospital I heard today when my pastor called me. She has had some heart problems and stints put in and I have not heard from her since my son died, so I had no idea anything was wrong.  I plan on seeing her tomorrow if she is still there.  I called her and she sounds pretty good.  The Drs say that the stints could collapse at any time because the arteries around her lungs are in such bad shape.  My sister in law and I prayed for her immediately after the phone call.  I am believing in healing.

I am getting ready to leave as I have volunteered to help at 1st Christian Church tonight with dinner we do every Monday.  It is from 5:30 to 6:30 I think but I am showing up early to help with whatever is needed... I also volunteered for our church's volleyball team... LOL!!!!!  That is such a laugh.  However, I think it will be good for me in a few different ways, so since they will have me, then I will show up at the Rec every Monday and Friday night to... uh... give it my best!

God's peace and good will to all.  May He bless and keep you. In Jesus name.  Amen.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Brisket and Spinach Salad

So, today is a good day.  Well, everyday is really a good day, for every day the Lord has made.
Ecclesiastes 7

10 Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?”
   For it is not wise to ask such questions.
 11 Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing
   and benefits those who see the sun.
12 Wisdom is a shelter
   as money is a shelter,
but the advantage of knowledge is this:
   Wisdom preserves those who have it.
 13 Consider what God has done:
   Who can straighten
   what he has made crooked?
14 When times are good, be happy;
   but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
   as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
   anything about their future.

My husband read this to me last night, and I continue to think on this.  When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this:  God has made the one as well as the other.  Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.  It is odd that people sometimes don't even realize when they are going through the better times in their life... when I was young and thin, I thought I should be thinner... how is that?  We need to reflect upon our days and moments and realize if we are really in the good times?  And if we have any issues that really are not bad, or are just in our own minds, let them go and be happy for these good times, for we will have plenty of real bad days or moments in life, why rob ourselves of days meant to be good within our own mind that conjures up problems and stress for lack of productive thinking??  Today is a good day.  I have my husband.  I have health in the name of our savior Jesus Christ. Amen.  I have food and shelter and time... time is what can make a good day seem like a bad one, my friends.  When I am not busy or doing anything at all, my mind starts to run through life and thoughts... and I am reminded of things that upset me, or anger me.  I am sure to not be the only one.  To retrain my mind, I can not let it be idle in this way.  

I have two cool chairs to reupholster.  Got to deconstruct them first.  Nice wingbacks with great detail in the woodwork... very excited.  I forget, I have plenty of wonderful things to keep me busy around here, artistic or progressive projects, but oftentimes, I do not do them.  I have an office, but I do not organize and utilize it.  I should really.  I have such an interest in the arts, but if I am to do anything, my thinking is it should be housework, but I suck at housework and never seem to be done, so I don't let myself have the playtime because I feel as though it is a privilege but that is untrue.  I need that time for productivity personally and to keep dreams and passion alive just as much as we need a clean house.  My husband has school and if I just sit around doing nothing but occasional housework daily, then I am losing myself and life slowly and just being lazy.  I will make time today then, instead of doing housework.  There is a time for both and the housework really does never end, so when will I ever deserve to do the latter?  Exactly.  

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy Birthday Babe

I do believe that I have the most handsome, most respectable, most dependable, most intelligent, most loving, most endearing man on the earth.  I must have married the one God made for me.  Thank God that I feel the way I do for that wonderful man.  He is such a good person and strong believer that it makes me want to be a better person, more loving, more faithful like a child, and because of him I know that love can be unconditional.  Not because of him, but because God has shown me through him and through His word.  Through Jason, God has shown me that people, with God are capable of showing and being truly loving.  I love my Daddy for the same reasons... he is always the same.  He always loves me.  This is the kind of love God wants us to know He has more of, better than the rest, perfect love unlike everyone else who will from time to time come up short... He loved us first.  He loves us the best, the perfect way.  Even when we are least deserving, His love remains.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Our Father who truly art in heaven... Hallowed be Thy name!  Thank you Lord for the friends and loved ones and everyone you bring into my life.  Some are here to show me love, some are here to be shown love and let me not fail!  Let me through you show someone Your love as some wonderful people You have sent have shown me... Praise your holy name for all that comes from You is truly good.  I pray for everyone tonight.  I pray for health, Lord, and I pray for peace in Jesus holy name who You sent and died and was raised.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

Today is Jason's birthday, but I got the best gift. I am a child of God my awesome Father, loved and saved by Jesus Christ, true God and true man, who sacrificed himself for our sins and rose again conquering death, and Jason chose me to be his wife.  Thank you for Parker and all of our children you already know will be.  Thank you Father for I am blessed.  Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Nose and Tears are Running

So I am having a good day.  I did start to look at pictures of my Parker, though, which always turns me into a mess.  It has been over four months now since he went to be with our Savior and my heart cries for him always.  When I look at pictures, the tears don't flow right away; they don't come until I see one of the pictures, may be a different one every time, that sparks that feeling I had that certain day or moment like I am there again and can feel his little soft white arms or sweet thick cheek and look into those beautiful bright blue eyes like a morning summer sky without the sun blinding you... or the fact that he was doing so good that day and it makes me sad that he couldn't have gotten better for always.  Then it starts...  I start talking out loud to the pictures and videos on the computer that I love him... that "I still and always love you, Baby"over and over again, while the wetness drips off my face plopping drops on the bed I am sitting on, my nose slowly stopping up and running at the same time like always when you blubber this hard and constant.  Then I hold my stomach like I want him back in here where he was safe; I look up to God and just sob.  I hope for more children so the ache of my baby being gone doesn't hurt like it does now, delibitatingly sometimes...  as if I don't understand that he was sick... it just feels like out of nowhere he was gone, ripped away from my life, "my sweet baby" I cry... over and over and over.  I go through the pictures faster, flipping through because I don't want to or don't know how to make myself stop, but know that this needs to end before this is my whole day.... before this becomes all I did today, mourn like this.  When it won't bring him back, and I know this is not what will make me feel better... crying is fine... sobbing is great, but getting lost in it like this will do nothing but put me back to that night... I was so bewildered and shocked and disbelieving and feeling as though I was losing my grip... I don't want to go back there, to that low in a well so deep and dark I feel separated and alone and tired and so delibitatingly sad.... and eventually the pictures are done.  I am sniffing and my nose is all stopped up now, the tears have stopped, I think, but in my vision I see the tears that are separated out upon my lashes and still feel wetness spread across my eyelids.  Then it is quiet.  I am exhausted, but the day is far from done.  Today is that day.

Now it is a few hours later.  I have done laundry, made homemade wheat bread with applesauce, agave nectar, and no sugar.  It is very delicious.  I have butter heating on the stove for pan-seared steak which is dinner, along with broccoli and, you guessed it, bread!  I had a great phone conversation with Becca for two hours, I know!  I never talk on the phone like that, but I was glad for it today :)  I have cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and there is much still to do.  Jason came home, then went to school, and since it is snowing and the ground is wet and th roads have the possibility of becoming dangerous, I had to cancel playing cards with my cousin, Vicki.  No fun :(  Anyway, it is now almost seven and Jason is headed back from school, so I will get off here and get ready for him.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

NERTZ and yes, cigarettes

So I had a great time this weekend with my family from here, Texas, and Arkansas!!! We played and laughed and definitely had a hardcore game of NERTZ!  I love it all... I love being with my people; the people who love me no matter what; people who are there for me through bad or good; the people who show you how you should pick your friends in life.  I am blessed; thank you Father!

I did smoke, though.  I didn't smoke Monday through Friday.... then I smoked yesterday and today.  BUMMER!  Nevertheless, I will not dwell on what is done!  In the words of Scarlet, "Tomorrow is another day"....  and I am a beautiful child of the one true God, so I will cling to all that is good :)

So, up until now I felt, even though I have been  told otherwise, that I wasn't doing enough, how could God love me if I am such a crappy person, and with my thoughts and my mistakes how can I be a Christian..... and then I read Romans.  If anyone struggles with what the good news of the Gospel is all about, my friends.... Paul simplifies it in Romans with words that even I can understand to tell me that God loves me so much that even though we were in sin (through Adam, and made aware of our sin by the Law (the commandments we cannot keep) and therefore made aware of our guilt and worthy of death because the wages (consequence) of sin is death) God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,[i] through the shedding of his blood- Romans 3:25 Which means that we are forgiven.  Though there has to be payment of death for sin, Jesus paid that debt! Not just that, but he paid that debt and rose again so that we will not die either but have eternal life! He was sacrificed for us so that all would believe in him and be saved through his sacrifice...   He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.  Romans 4:25  Well, I believe.  Romans 5:20 The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.I was talking to my sister once or maybe to someone else but Lela heard me when I said, "You can't get people to take your advice until it becomes their own idea."  What a cool quote that is.... hearing it thrown back at me today!  We were outside at grandpa and grandmas when I was telling her of the peace I had found in my reading of the Bible last night; though I had heard what I had read before, I had never actually read it myself till last night... and I am filled with belief, hope, and such sweet peace.  I said, I guess I just had to read it myself to really know it was real.  Then she replied, "Well, Kindy, you are the one who said <enter my quote>"  It was kinda right on.

Now I am having a Coors Light and going to do a bit more housework before retiring for the evening.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Merry Christmaaaa.... Wha? Wait a minuuuuute.

Nope.  It is true.  Again.  For my family Christmas comes but twice a year, once in January and the other in  December.  Well, Christ was only born once, but He is still the reason for the season, and it is so important to us that we insist on seeing all of us together, so we wait till traffic and people are done hustling and bustling so travel will be easier on those who must; residents of Texas and Arkansas alike will be in attendance :) We get together with lots of food, laughs, catching up, Dirty Santa game, lots of hugs, and good ol' fashion love.  If I am lucky, we throw in a game of NERTZ at the end of the long day; however, my pleading for NERTZ works waaaaay less often now that I am older than 20.  When we play, it is soooo much fun though!  We rouse each other with a healthy dose of,
how do the french say,
le smack talk?
LOL, yea. Smack talk.  We all have good spirits about it though.

So I wake up this "other" Christmas morning at 8:00am and find I forgot to put my pinwheels in the refrigerator which is kind of ironic because I am not sure they were good in the first place... messed em up pretty bad this time.  Oh well, the joy in offering to make several things is the joy of still having things to take if one or two flop!  So I will get started on my broccoli and cheese, mashed potatoes, and we will be on our way by 11:45am.

I am sooo tired this morning.  I stayed up till after one and have no clue as to why my body rejected the idea of sleeping in past 8:00 since that is less than seven hours and I don't do well without at least 8.  So, even though I feel yucky-like still tired and kind of achey from not sleeping much, apparently I am up and after this little complaint about it, I will not let it affect me anymore as my coffee is done, and I have two parts of lunch to start and some raspberry sauce for the key lime pies I made yesterday.  Hope people aren't grossed out by the rind in the pie.... I know a few years ago I would have been unsure and maybe auto-not liked it, but now I understand the point and the texture doesn't throw me off.  

LOL, I can hear Jason snoring loudly from the bedroom!  Well, time for coffee and a shower, and to "get this party starteeeeed riiiiiight noooow!" -Pink

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Love like we need each other, so that people can relate If you're rolling to your left, don't forget I'm on the right Trust and forgive each other A little love and we just might ---Get It Together by Seal

So I am groovin to the music... I have had my cardboard, ahem, I mean oatmeal with raisins and flax seed... like I said, cardboard.... for breakfast... I am getting ready to eat some spaghetti and take a break from my cleaning and dancing for a minute... then at two I will do a mile at the gym..... think I am going to bump it to twice a day today... It is making me feel so good I am not sure I only want to do once a day anymore... shweeeeeet...

Period still here.  However, it is so light I almost don't need anything... BUT it still hurts like a beast :)  

Okay, so tonight I am going to go to my friend Rachel's, with Robi... it's Grey's Night!!!!  YeaYea! WootWoot! Anyway, since I have quit smoking, today has been the hardest.  I don't know why other than the fact that Robi smokes and I am heavily a social smoker.  YIKES!   I don't know.... what.... well, after talking to Rachel, I think I will grab some snacks and keep my mouth busy... I know this is not a good habit to get into, but it is not a daily  thing, so I will not worry about it; I am exercising so I am not going to be even concerned about the calories or whatever.  I am going to stay focused on the healing of my lungs and the fact that cigarettes give me anxiety really badly.

Alright!  That was so much fun!  I brought my Twinkies and Nutty Buddy Bars and Chips and had no problem at all.  Brought enough for my friends to enjoy them with me ;) of course!  Grey's was good; glad Yeng is back!  We laughed and just had a great time, which I was so glad because I think Robi really needed some laugh cause her day was rough... but better by the time she left!!!  I did not smoke and nor did I really want to... when we left, Robi had her lighter and my auto-reaction was to jump and cover my eyes like I didn't want to see it, but I think only because I thought I would be more tempted than I was, which I wasn't at all.  Knee jerk reaction, but no harm at all of slipping!  Thank you Father!  

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Oh Wednesday....

So, I still have not smoked and it is day three... still no problem... thank you Lord!!!!! I am still oversensitive and quickly agitated but other than that! LOL... I do feel better and  I ran a mile and a half yesterday, too... Got to go in tonight and run as well, now that I have my IPOD racked with awesome tunes in which to move it!  I didn't take my birth control Monday and my period started today.  It has been a beast of pain... However, I have been somewhat productive regardless.  So, yay for me not smoking... yuck to the period business of which I am dealing... and yuck to the mood-swingy oversensitivity I am putting anyone around me through.... I pray that it be gone soon... Can I say, though, that I absolutely feel healthier already?  :) Par for the course, indeed.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's Just the Kind of Day to Leave Myself Behind---Tuesday Afternoon by Moody Blues

So, I have not smoked since Sunday after lunch!!!! I am feeling very awesome about that fact.  Also, I have only chewed two pieces of gum... praise God!  The desire is not there, and I do not feel pressure to do it even knowing that my husband is doing it right outside the house... yay!  Thank you  Father for your grace and mercy on me, a lowly sinner.

So, I have been eating a lot more fiber lately because I have had some constipation issues that are pretty severe.  Apparently diet is not the only reason for this problem, because I thought I was eating a-a-alr-i-i-ight... maybe I haven't been.  Nonetheless, emotional stress could have caused my digestive tract to act up, which, let's face it, since August and maybe even before, I have been an emotional wreck, till a two weeks ago... thank our gracious Lord... and lack of activity---which I have already also begun to change can affect it...   So I am on the right track I just have to make sure I am eating all the right foods, and staying on track to keep my stress down, and activity up.  Quitting smoking helps though, because I have been being convicted of it for awhile now, and felt condemned every time I did it, like I couldn't be forgiven since I kept doing it, even though I wasn't sure if I believed it was a sin or maybe was just told once that it was a sin.  Who knows.... since I felt bad and wrong doing it though, it was the right thing to do.  And I want to be a grandma someday, so I need to get my "healthy" act together.

Now to fix lunch for me and my wonderful husband!

Okay, now it is 9:53pm and we are about to go to bed.  I am a little emotionally sensitive right now and snappy, but I don't want a cigarette... so that is good.  Dear Father, thank you for being with me and healing me from my addiction; in Jesus name forgive me please for my attitude and snappiness Lord.  I do not want to act like this.  Thank you Lord for my husband's gentle nature that he knows that this too shall pass... Keep us and bless us all, in Jesus name. Amen.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Chew.... Chew... PARK

SO.... I have bought Nicorette gum... now I know that the Lord can get me through this.  With Jason not wanting to quit, and he won't even talk about it because he gets mad and wants to smoke, I am surrounded by temptation... well, Nicorette doesn't have the harmful affects of smoking, and I am a social smoker more than anything other than the few times a day I really have a crazy craving, so since I am like a junky NOT wanting to satisfy my nasty fix, but the other junky in the house keeps bringing "the stuff" around, I will get on methadone, or in this case... NICORETTE, lol... Dear Lord, please forgive me for the time I spent smoking and when I messed up when I spoke to you about quitting and prayed hard.  Please forgive me all my sins Father!  I want health; I want strength; I want energy; I want to be a grandma!

Dear Lord, my merciful Father, thank you for letting me, through Your son, Jesus Christ, be Your child.  Thank you Father :)  I am blessed to be in Your heavenly family!  I have a desire of my heart Lord; please take Jason's desire away from smoking as You did mine.  I DON'T WANT to smoke.  Is it easy not to?  NO.  Am I an addict?  Yes, and I am tempted.  Nonetheless, I want to watch my children grow and be a healthy person!!! I do not want my kids to lose me like I lost my mother and stepfather.  I choose to be cleansed of my nasty habits.... I choose for God to use me as He pleases... I will not give up.

Also, I have been having a lot of anxiety these past couple of days... baaaaaad... Last night I started getting scared and just cried because I was embarrassed, and because Jason has to be around it.  I thought in my mind, "Oh Lord, I don't like this... there is no harm in crying since that is how upset I feel about having the attacks in the first place... It never is easy, but I know You will be here with me even if I do not feel You, I believe"... and very quickly, after crying honestly with Jason... it went right away... so much quicker than usual, praise the Father in heaven in Jesus name!!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Duck Pasta in Cream Sauce for Dinner

So I sent an email to my in-laws---brothers and parents-in-law alike telling them Happy New Year and may God bless and keep them all.

Praise be to God!!! I have heard from my mother in law for the first time in months... She said in reply---- "to you two as well.  Have a nice weekend".... it is something... It is contact.  Thank you Lord for her reply.  It is a good start.  I am happy, and I am thankful.  God is good, always.

After Eggs, Bacon, and Peanut Butter Banana Oatmeal with Yogurt

So, we had a good time playing games lastnight with my brother and Lela.  They left right after midnight. I think Lela was as tired as I was!  We played Trivial Pursuit which was a lot of fun actually, and Jason got a bit tipsy which was cute... a good way to start the year... laughing.  I had one beer, and like I said, I laughed the whole time they were here.  Before Jason and I went to bed, I asked if we could quit smoking now that it was the new year.  He said yes.  I am not sure what is going to happen today though, because he woke up and almost went right outside.  I said, "you goin outside?" and he said he was thinking about it.  I really want to quit... I want to have more kids and be a grandma and smoking isn't healthy.  I want to feel energized and good.  Smoking hurts that too.  However, I don't like having my husband smoking as we live together, naturally, and I am addicted enough to still be tempted by those things!  In fact, I don't know if it is real or the addiction, but I like smoking. I don't like the way I feel afterward, but I still always want to do it... Ah!

Nevertheless, I know that God made me to be a non-smoker and I was the first half of my life, so I know I can do this.  I know that I cannot do it alone, but I do not have to... I am not perfect, but I am not alone.  “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” – John 14:18  ---The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17

So, I pray:  Father in heaven, 
I do not know if smoking is a sin, but I fear that it is, because it hurts my body and Your spirit dwells in this body.  I pray that You take the desire away, and make me clean and healthy.  I thank You Father for my husband and his health, a warm home to sleep and keep me busy, and Your blessings.  I thank You for being with me though I do not feel you, I believe you are there.  I praise You!  Dear Lord, forgive me all my sins, black as they may be, and let me be a joy in Your sight.  I pray Your Spirit dwell within me and bring me comfort. In Jesus Name Amen. 

So later this day... it is not Jason's fault that I smoked.  I smoked a handful of cigarettes today.  Jason smoked first, and in my head I justified it as an excuse to smoke myself.  Though, I know that I was just looking for an excuse.  This is ridiculous.  I will not lose heart.  My God is mighty to save.