Sunday, February 26, 2012


I am getting some crampiness right now.  It is just like very like menstrual cramps.  I am getting excited because I just know it is from implantation.... I just know it is!  We already have the boy's first name; it's funny, because I wanted this name the first time I was pregnant but Jas was not having it, but I say it again a couple of years later and loves it.  Ha!  Funny.

I go to the Dr in two days to find out my progesterone level.  Waiting to hear what I already know is just so...... I am on the edge of my seat for the time to hurry up... but I am enjoying also paying attention to my body at this time as well.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Cooking and Cleaning

I am about to watch a movie.... "The Way" with Martin Sheen by his son Emilio...  looked really awesome on the trailor.

This evening after I got off work, I cooked spaghetti squash, onion, asparagus, crimini mushrooms, ground beef and eggplant/garlic spaghetti sauce.  It was so delicious! I served with with garlic butter Ezekiel bread.  YUM.

I cleaned the kitchen and am trying to sort through my living room... it looks like a laundry room/sewing area... YIKES!

Tomorrow I plan on working for a few hours.  I won't charge my boss as today felt very unproductive though I seemed to be busy the whole time.

My husband's grandma, Lou, is in town this weekend at her house in Bixby.  She has been diagnosed with cancer,  many tumors... so sad.  On a praiseful note, she has responded really well to chemo and is having surgery soon on the shrunken tumors... so thank you Lord!  Jason wanted us to go over there tomorrow, but I told him he needed time with her on his own.  She and I aren't close, though I love her.  I just don't feel as if she or his mother care for me really, so I don't want the awkwardness to creep into what could be a great visit for them.  Maybe next time I will go.


My mom always said she liked her coffee taupe; I like mine that way, too.  However, I do add some agave nectar to mine.  She only wanted real half and half in hers.  Today is going well.  I feel a load has been lifted off of me since I let my boss know my true feelings pertaining to my job here.  Although, that freedom has made me very lax about wanting to come to work at all.  I keep believing that Tuesday I will find out the my Progesterone levels are wonderful and expect on the 6th of March to see a positive pregnancy test.  Please Lord, let this be the month.

I want to be home.  I want to be indulging in cooking and cleaning... art and sewing...

It's funny how over the last year, it has been hard to do those things.  Now that I have a job that I don't need or care for, but have gotten used to being busy all day, I would so rather this busy-ness be done within my home.  Thank you Lord, for this experience as it has ignited my joy to be home.  I pray for the opportunity soon to do that; I pray that Tuesday I hear good news toward my pregnancy and I can begin a new season in my life.

I have already started taking my Folic Acid... an elevated dosage recommended by my OBGYN way back when we first started trying to conceive again.  I am glad I stopped taking it then since it has been over a year (I am supposed to take 4000mcg---the average woman needs 400 and the pregnant woman needs 800, so it is substantially higher).  I have continued to take PreNatals though... because every month I planned on being pregnant.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I am exhausted, but it is after one in the morning.  I NEVER stay up this late.  WHY?!?!?  Why did I?  OH thaaaaaaaat's right.  I rented two movies from Redbox two days ago I didn't have time to watch so I crammed them in tonight, and forfeited my rest.  Not a smart move!  I love being rested.  I need to remember that the next time I don't think before I spend money on something I don't have time to use.

  I am looking up baby names, even though Jason is already so sure, and I kind of suggested all these names in the first place.  I may convince him to budge while I am growing (I am speaking in faith here) over the next nine months. Ha!  I almost changed Parker's name at the last minute, so we'll see.

That brings me to my thought tonight:  I am sure people don't like some other people's names.  We don't tell someone usually though that we don't like their name.  Once a baby is born, one doesn't say, "Oh, I don't like that; I am going to call them _____".  No, those of us who want the people we love to still hang out with us know better... Why do people lose all that self control when you are pregnant and feel free to comment on whatever name they don't like with reckless abandon?  It is the same thing as when I am eating my delicious lunch and you notice whatever it is of which I am partaking, and decide, WHILE I AM EATING IT, to tell me just how gross you think it is.  Although I do enjoy that you have opinions, in times like these, shhhh.  The world needs variety; if everyone liked what you liked and were just like you, it would be so boring!  Take joy in our differences and enjoy the freedom to name your kid Sparkle or whatever YOU want, and I won't rain on your parade =)

Okay, so tonight, in faith, I started taking my high dosage of Folic Acid.  I am so excited.

Also, I was reading my Christian book Boundaries, and got to James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.   And I went about my afternoon... this scripture simmering in my heart.  I really don't enjoy the tediousness of what I do, and that I am so overqualified, a people person, and so energetic that I just don't belong in a pile of paper scanning all day and filing in a room... AAAAH!  BUT to help me kind of enjoy it I went home and grabbed my IPOD.  As I was listening to my classical orchestra jams, I realized how happy I was, my movement was rhythmical, my demeanor was uplifted.  When my chores were over for the day, I pulled out my earbuds and headed to Bret's office.  I sat down in the chair across from his desk and shared my heart.  I told him thank you for hiring me last year, when  I could barely function in life at all after Parker died, and helping me to have something routine, probably being a catalyst for me rejoining the living in some ways..... but this year, I am saddened to admit that I am alive again, and I don't fit here.  I have to have human connection and variety... I am way over qualified, and I just don't enjoy it.  I want to.  I love the people I work with, but I just don't like the work that I do. 

I am so proud that I was able to do it.  All from James.  I wanted to confess to Bret.  I felt a weight lifted off of me.  I didn't quit; we are thinking about what I shall do.  I offered to train someone; I told him that for sure it would be a struggle to complete this tax season.  

I just have 'cabin fever' per se... thaaaat bad.  I don't want to be treated as if 'scanner girl' is as smart as I am; a scanner girl was all I could muster after Parker went home.  I am not in that place anymore.  A job is over half my waking hours.  If I have one, which I don't need in the first place, I want to look forward to going.  I want to know that 'I' am in there in some way.

That's keeping you 'in the know' for now.
Good night.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

HCG for me. None for you?

I just gave myself a trigger shot for the first time. I did really well! I guess 6 days of injecting FSH has taken away any hesitation. I wonder if I could start an IV on myself too lol. 

I DID just trigger the HCG hormone.... so there is a chance I could have a really emotional next couple of weeks =)

Okay so there is more of a chance of me crying than not, but hopefully good happy crying.  Last time I took this I cried at the stove, and I joke that is was because I was cooking chicken and wanted beef. It was seriously less complicated than that. I didn't have a reason at all.  Ha!

I woke up before 6:30am.  I planned on going back to sleep afterward.  Alas, I am awake at 7:45!  I guess I will go into work around  9:30 or so instead of later.  I am sure my boss will enjoy that as I have much to do.  

My boss has been a little friendlier the last few days I have worked, and that helps me feel a little better about not being home as much.  Between fertility doctor visits in downtown Tulsa in the mornings, visits to 61st and Lewis in Tulsa in the evening, trying to cook, clean and do laundry and work over 30 hours a week, I feel stretched pretty thin.  Not to mention the rollercoaster of emotions that fertility brings in general.  Rollercoaster of emotions, not a rollercoaster of faith, though.  My God can do all things.  Even when I don't feel Him, I know He has never left my side.  I do not have to earn His love; I cannot lose His love.  I believe He said for me to be fruitful and multiply as well.  

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them" (Psalm 127:3-4).

I believe.  

Monday, February 20, 2012

Monday Feb 20th, Doctors Visit

I went in today... I prayed for 150 but at least over 100.... You know what numbers I need Lord.  I called my sister.  I went in and got my ultrasound.... my follicle is 21, yay!  And she said my lining looks over 7, which is def what we want.  Now we just have to wait for my blood work... and I go home and go to work.  She will leave me a message that I will receive around 2-4.

I start calling around 12:30 because I just can't think of anything else.
1:15 and there is one new message!  AAAaaaaah!  Please God.  We need good numbers...

"Hi Kindra, this is Hannah from... your estradial is 332..." and I inhale sharply out of sheer excitement!  Thank you God!!!!!!!  It is perfect; it far exceeds what was even considered fine.  Thank you!!!!!!!  Oh thank you!!!!  Please let this be the month.  "...your lining needed to be at least a 7 and it is 9.3..."  YES!!!!! "... and your follicle is a 21... you will....(ahem) tonight.... and trigger in the morning first thing and then (ahem) on the 22nd.... we will run your Progesterone levels on the 28th and your pregnancy test will be on the 6th"

Thank you God for fabulous numbers.  Please let this follicle become my healthy baby...  please let this be the month.

So now I go about my business, triggering tomorrow (injecting myself with HCG hormone to make me release the mature egg within 36 hours) and then wait for Progesterone levels on the 28th .... next Tuesday.... welcome to my rollercoaster.

Lots of prayers.
Keep you in the Know.

Sunday Feb 19th

What a busy weekend we had!  We had dinner with my Godson's family who came into town for his baptism.  We went our nephew's to see him for his birthday (1st bday) and then went to our friends and visited for a bit... Today we went to church for Liam's baptism (awesome btw) and then ate lunch, went to Michael's Craft store and home, took a nap (four hours constitutes more of a nap in my opinion tho), and got up, watched a movie, and went to sleep... oh and I was up early both days for more injections.... tomorrow I get another ultrasound and get to hear what my follicle is doing and my estrogen levels and lining... Dear Lord, my estrogen you know needs to be above 100 at least but ideally at least 150 per mature follicle.  Please God.  Please.  You said be fruitful.   Please mean me too.

February 17th, Folliistim Pin Injection 5, Friday Dr Visit

So I just believe I am going to get good news.  Lord, please let this be it.  I get there and have my blood drawn... then I wait.... after I get in, I lay on the hospital bed for my ultrasound... Hannah is friendly in conversation, but non-reactive most of the time during the ultrasound... even if it is good, you have to know what is really good or bad, because you can't react based on her, she says it's good, but she says that the same as on the days when it's not good.  I am glad I know what is good, lol.

The ultrasound picture comes on the screen and my first ovary comes in view... HUGE follicle!  Or at least, bigger than any I have had in the past.  I ask.  It is 17mm!  That is down right awesome!  We have a mature follicle =)  This is my first one about ready that I have seen on screen... my lining looks good, too, she says.

Hannah says she'll leave a message on the PRN line with instructions this afternoon.  I am so stoked!  I call my sister, my grandma, my aunt...

I go home and relax... they said they may have me "trigger" today, so I wait for my message on the PRN line.

I call around noon.

"Kindra, this is Hannah... lining not as thick as we want it... only 6.46...we want it over 7....and your estradial (E2= estrogen) level came back... it is only at an 88... go ahead and injection again Saturday and Sunday as well and we'll see what happens on Monday at 9 am for another ultrasound and blood draw"

My heart sinks.

Why is the follicle mature but the estrogen is not of a mature follicle?  God, I don't want to be sad; I want to be faithful.  I choose to believe still.  You know, though, that the feelings of defeat and confusion are already upon me though I try to fight them.

I wait... then I page Hannah.

She calls back and I ask her if there is medically a chance that this could get better, since I have only ever  had a 15 before when my estrogen was up...
She senses that I am sad, and tells me not to worry!  This doesn't mean it won't get up there; it just means that it needs a few more days... I won't ovulate before it is ready, and they won't trigger me until they see those numbers up.  It is not over, they just want to wait to give me the best chance and circumstances I can have.

Relieved, I hang up and cling to the reassurance.  This is it Lord; please let this follicle be my healthy baby.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

February 16th, Folliistim Pin Injection 4, Thursday

Tomorrow i go back to the Doctor and she will tell me the progress of my injections.  I can't wait to hear good news!

February 15th, 2012, Wednesday 3rd Injection

Fever gone and feeling great.  Glad that came and went as fast as it did.  The only side effect I am having from the injections it seems is headaches.  Dull, weird headaches.  I just know this is it.  Oh Lord, I keep believing.  Please bring my efforts and desire into fruition... healthy, healthy baby... babies.

February 14th- Valentine's Day--2nd Injection

I wake up at 7:30 a.m. and inject myself.  As I said Sunday, when you are sticking yourself, you just have to do it.  I did, and it was really no big deal.  Glad Grandma did it the day before though so I would know how big of a deal it wasn't.  I get ready and head to work.  I go about my day and look forward to the evening... no NOT because we are doing something for Valentine's Day; it is not a big deal in our home, sadly.  I will go to my friend Nia's this evening and hang out with her and my Godson, Liam.  Nia had her a little over two weeks ago, and her husband is working alot.

The only problem is that afternoon I get chills and achy.  I spend Valentine's night in the ER because I have to make sure it is not a reaction to the injections or that I don't have to stop taking the injections.  Turns out it is just a little virus and nothing that would keep me from continuing.  YAY! Good stinkin night.

February 13th, 2012, Monday First Injection

Grandma read the instructions (which were typed small enough that even I needed my glasses) and I put the vile in the pin, sterilized my stomach area to the right two inches of my belly button, and the  body of the pin which had a plunger tip I inserted into the open end of the vile which was within the head of the pin... and screwed the pieces together... and I sterilized the tip... then screwed the needle onto the tip.  I had the injection pin in my right hand, the dose dialed to 50 i/u aiming it an inch from my skin...  and with my right hand, I had a good pinch of the fatty part of my belly ready for injection.  I tried to goad myself into doing it while Gram Gram sat above me in her recliner, "Can hou do it, Kindy?"
"I will try"  "I think I can"  "Nope.  You do it this first time".... and she did. Although, it is probably easier to stab another than yourself, lol.

Easy as pie and didn't even feel a pinch like when they draw blood and DEFINITELY not the bee sting you feel in a normal shot.

I felt a little weird after, but no real side effects, so I figured I could go to work... I didn't get emotional or anything... apparently this hormone doesn't really do that to you.... WHEW!  My boss and everyone else is lucky... and I won't have to apologize for any crazy crying fits or mountains made of molehills later when sanity returns... nope, this will be a cake walk!

Work was.... work.  I am pretty sure my boss either doesn't care for me, but at the least he is definitely unappreciative of what I do.  It doesn't affect the way I do my job, but it does make me want to leave when he is around.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

FEBRUARY 12, 2012---The Phlebotomist Always Says You'll Feel A Pinch Before They Stick You....

BUT when you are sticking yourself, you just have to do it.  Or at least with me, you just have your grandma do it.

Today is Sunday, and tomorrow I have to start follistim injections--- one a day, in the morning for five days... it is a "Follistim" pin, in which you put a vile of Follicle Stimulating Hormone and dial it to your proper dosage, sterile your "area", pinch your stomach with one hand, and inject the pin needle with the other.... push the button till it dials down to zero to let you know you have received a full dosage, and hold it in for five more seconds... then pull out.  I know I can do this, BUUUUUUUUT maybe not the first time.  Afraid I will jump and drop the pin while it is in me and mess it all up.  CALL GRANDMA!  She gave my cousin insulin injections, and sure enough!  She said she would, so tomorrow I go over there and she will stab me with a sharp object, with pleasure, lol.  This will help my follicles grow...

Many women really don't know much about what a cycle is really like from the "inside-out" so I will tell you now that I have had the opportunity and under necessity, become so informed----your follicles have to grow to 18-20 mm at least to pop and release an egg... ovulation!   Your cycle is like this for example--- Day 1 is the first day of your period.... the last day of your cycle is the day before your next period.. so if your cycle is 28 days long, you will probably ovulate around the 14th... how does it work?  On day one you start your period, and after a certain amount of days, stimulated by gradually increasing amounts of estrogen, the blood slows to a stop and the lining of the uterus thickens.  Follicles in the ovary begin developing under the influence of complex interplay of hormones, and after several days one or occasionally two become dominant and grows the most while the others chill out... once it or they (yikes, twin potential!!!) reach 18 to 20 mm, approximately around the middle of your cycle (my cycle was getting to be 40-some days long, so around day 20 or so), your body surges the Luteinizing hormone and the follicle BuRsTS, releases an egg(s) in what is called ovulation.  This egg will live for only up to 24 hours without fertilization, while the remains of the follicle (which actually the remnants of the popped cyst or follicle turns into a corpus luteum; this little entity is going to release large amts of progesterone) Progesterone... this causes change in the lining of the uterus to prepare for implantation to establish "pregnancy" (which once an egg is fertilized within 24 hours of ovulation, it can take up to two weeks to implant and the whole time your lining is getting ready for it with the huge amts of Progesterone being released by the corpus luteum aka, follicle the egg dropped out of, lol ... the egg is producing estradial or E2 or estrogen).... if implantation does not occur within those two weeks, Progesterone and Estrogen levels plummet and this causes the shedding of the uterine lining which is usually all that is your period... and the egg was so small it could only be seen under a microscope and like your body absorbs cells from an infection, most of the time you don't "waste" your egg in the mensa, your abdominal cavity absorbs it!  And since it was sooooo microscopic, it didn't have to work hard at all to do it.  Voila!  Cycle explained. You are welcome.

ANYWAY... on all my other documented cycles  (as you read earlier, remember, your follies (follicles) have to grow to 18-20mm to pop=ovulate) I only was known to even have ONE folly grow to 15!  15?  Man, I wasn't responding at all to this Clomiphene (Clomid)... bummer.

This is why they switched me to Femara.... they don't use it first because it can cause over stimulation of the ovaries.... they weren't afraid of that with me because even my dominant folly(ies) weren't growing to ovulation potential  : (  After you take Femara for 5 days just like Clomid, you then have to do injections to stimulate your ovaries as well to grow follies to ovulation-able size.  I start that tomorrow... I just believe this is it.

I was so heartbroken last month when I did my round of Clomid and come day 19, they weren't getting to proper size and they decided I had not responded to the med and canceled my cycle altogether.... but thanks be to my Father who IS in Heaven, I always gain renewed hope.  So here I am again... after six months of seeing a Fertility specialist, excited and faithful that THIS is my month.  I know it sounds weird, after so many months (over a year of trying for a baby and only one miscarriage) but I really do believe this is the month.  Of course I say that every month.  I am nothing if not determined HA ha!  It is a strength in this case, because you have to keep your head up and find the faith to believe it will be.  God said to be fruitful and multiply.  I believe He also meant me.  So I will continue, and when He allows it... (this month!!!!!) I will conceive my heart's desire.  We already have our names.... boy and girl names.  Not telling yet ;)

Enough for today.  Going to Grandma's in the morning early!

Keep you "in the know"- Kindra

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Feb 11th, 2012

Day 4 on Femara.  Going so well!  Jas went to school this morning.  He started Bupropion today as well for smoking cessation.  Yay!  Whatever works I say!  I am just so thankful that he is being pro-active. So I have been cleaning my office and cleaning off a shelf that matches my desk from the other office to move into my room.  I can't wait to be ready to sew and paint again.  I am wearing my favorite Love Loud shirt given to me by my dear friend Junie, and listening to my Grand Piano c.d.  I love music filling my home.  I am always brought spiritually into a place more open to calm and more ready to keep any drama or stress away.  It reminds me that "greater is He that is in me" when I calm my spirit even when doing the most mundane chores.  Oh music.  The Lord has made our spirit respond to so many forms of worship!

We start trying a new church tomorrow, First United Methodist Church in Claremore.  I am so excited!   Back to my housework.

When I am done, I will ready food so I won't be snacking anymore.  I fall off my health wagon when I don't have healthy food ready BEFORE I am hungry, but then again, don't most of us?

Friday, February 10, 2012

February 10th, 2012

Day 3!!!   I woke up at about 9.  I brought Jas lunch on the way to work.  I have only two days left on Femara and then on to injections for 5 days starting on Monday!  I am excited!!!!  Can't wait to hold my baby!!!!!

Feb 9

Yesterday on Femara I only had some hot flashes.... heat from the inside out.... CraAZy weird and uncomfortable.  AND a weird headache I wish to never have again... good news... they last a short time and the rest of my day was normal.  Today was fine too.  Day 2.  Although my boss doesn't seem to respect nor care for me.  Which is fine, because the more he acts like that, the more mutual feelings I attain. I pray that God lead me where I need to be.  Whatever He says I will do.  I am on hormones though, and after my 5 days taking Femara I will shoot pin injections of Follistim in my stomach for 5 days, so he may want to calm down on not being appreciative or cold.  I can't guarantee I won't have to pray for forgiveness for opening my hormone shot up mouth when I already wanted to speak up before I was on them.  OH and I hate being called the "scanner girl".

February 8th

Today, Feb 8th, Wednesday, I start Femara.  It was originally only used for breast cancer.  Women started getting pregnant on it, so they started using it as a fertility medication.  I have been on Clomid and not responded.

I am so anxious to hold our next baby.  I have dreeeeaaaams of our boys... they are always more boys ha!

PCOS is such a pain.  I fear a diagnosis down the road that would make this journey of potential pregnancy just a dream, so we are embarking and have been for over six months.  No success... and before we started the fertility process, we had gotten pregnant after almost six months of trying.... this ended in a miscarriage.  Suffice it to say, trying to get pregnant for over a year is defeating.  Definitely, it is a struggle to even be romantic, because though we know that we are coming together as husband and wife, we are coming together to bring new life into the world, and every month we are reminded that all our effort was unfruitful to extend our family.  It is like college.  You go.  You pray you will get a degree, but after years, you do get worn down and some drop out.  However, when we get that beautiful baby, or ha ha you get that degree.... the road traveled is seen in a different and more positive light... and hindsight is always 20/20... "we should have been more patient" "we should have just had more faith" "we should have relaxed more and just knew that it would happen" "we should have enjoyed the ride more now that we have the baby, I wish we would have made it feel less like a chore and spent more time with each other" but the truth is... right now,  I am praying that I will have a baby, but I do not know how this will end.  It is easy to say later that we should have enjoyed the ride knowing then that I were to be with child; for now, I no not that future as certain.  It is very daunting a fear I fight. I know that what I am reaching for is only so much up to me to achieve.  It is up to God first and foremost.  It is up to my husband as a dedicated, willing participant to the journey.  It is up to my Drs to keep track and plan out my next step.  It is up to me to keep focused on good things in life and keep my attitude in check... it is up to me to be gentle with my husband; if I feel defeated, he must and I want this journey to continue, so I welcome him to relax and be himself around me without pressure to always meet my needs; I try and meet his needs.

I try to keep my faith in check, which is horrible, because I haven't read my Bible in forever and when I do I always feel as though I can't just read; I feel the pressure of remembering everything I read, so I study, take notes and try and apply everything, understand everything.  I get defeated easily in life as I see things I believe for not come to pass.  Millions of examples I could name, but more than all, I wanted my Mom, my StepDad, and my Parker to live, to be healed.  God healed them.  He knew what I meant though... and He did not let them stay with me.  It is a fact, and I understand that He knows what we and they needed and sometimes we ask for things that are not for the best and as a good father, He knows what is best and doesn't always give us what we ask for. Because sometimes we don't understand that what we are asking for would cause pain or harm to another I am sure.  Either way, it is hard to pray for things to come when I feel as though He will do as He wills either way and my prayer does nothing it seems.

I am realizing more and more that this is not the goal I should have in mind.  It is not what I do; it is about what Christ has already done.  I can only know what God wants me to know.   I am getting better at knowing that what I need is what I need.  I told out pastor that we were going to be looking at different churches over the next couple of months.  He did not respond well.  He said that they all had invested their hearts into us.  The truth is, I need fed.  After losing three of the most wonderful people in my life, I know that we are the church.... not some building.  I need passionate, fiery faith to keep my heart and head about water when I have come so far to sinking.  I need to be led by people who have the faith I need.  I am not stoic.  I am not reserved as a person.  We are the body and are all different parts... I am not the same part that the Lutheran church I attend must be.  I am almost  30.  I am tired of trying to fit when I don't.  I love them, told him, but I can't let that guilt me into staying, when I could flourish in my rightful place as soon as I move to find it and God shows me.  The point is that I worship and spend time with God... it should not matter where, as long as it is where God dwells... and He dwells where two or more are gathered in His name.

All this to say, this embracing of a journey that seems disheartening at times, is ever reminding me that I need my heart and soul nurtured.  You have to keep stress down in the fertility process.... this teaches me to notice what causes me unhappiness or depression... and if I need to make a change or can make a change, I will do it.  If I cannot, then, how do I think about it and handle it differently?  I am being proactive.  There are so many people on anti-depressants.  I wish I could really sit down and help people understand that usually, we are all just a few minor adjustments from being content.  It is the forcing yourself to dwell in a non-peaceful situation or an environment in which you do not belong that starts your mind down the path of depression, hanging out with those who tear you down and not build you up, etc.  Your brain lets you know that danger is here or that this isn't for you--- signals you to change and you don't... speak up and you won't... move and you stay.  You fight yourself from doing what is healthy, and you  sacrifice your health.  You stay, so your brain gets confused... and sad.  Then time goes by and you wonder why you are unhappy, how long you have been unhappy, and how you got there.... but now you don't even know what to fix... so you take drugs, and think that something must be wrong with you...

I am living the only life I get.

I am responsible for the choices I make....

and the choices I forfeit.

I trust He will guide me as I keep walking while I have feet to do so... and prayerfully He will use me to help others as He has done before.

Depression begins when a triangle peg tries to fit into a circle-shaped hole.  Even if you are doing it because you love other circles.... you are not a circle... love them, but don't sacrifice yourself.  I have done it for so long, that maybe it took losing like Job... maybe it took, the depth of loss and not knowing where to go or what to do with my life from here to make me see the aimlessness in my past... the muddling through.  My son gave me purpose... I was passionate about him... I refuse to live a life that is passionless and me-less.  I am going to give it all I have got.  I may belly flop, but I have to try to dive either way.

Today I start Femara and I am not scared of the side effects.  My life will go and end as it should... my fear will only cause discomfort when I could have peace along the way... here goes.