Saturday, August 10, 2013
I have been going through some very heavy things in my mind lately. Things that, when thought about at all, become the dwelled upon, contemplation of whether or not to confront my past in the present. Herein lies the issue. This is what I ALWAYS deal with when having anything happen to me. I never want people to be upset with me and don't like for any of my relationships to be tarnished... at the same time, I also desire resolve and for someone who has wounded me to say they are sorry. I think of how simple things were taught to us by our elders when we were all just babes. Teaching us that if we hurt someone even if we didn't mean to we say sorry. We should be honest when we are hurt by our friend and they should in turn, care. However, in my history, I have seen very little of the simple "You hurt me and [this is why]" responded with "I am sorry" ... Even if the person felt they did no wrong, if someone we love is hurting the response should still be a compassionate one. For example, "I am so sorry you are hurt". Instead, I usually see a prideful response. I usually see a defensive or could-care-less attitude and even the more-common-than-it-should-be complete abandonment of relationship due to the honesty in coming to another to seek repair. It is almost as if these elders that taught the ducklings to behave in love have a sense of entitlement that they themselves are beyond decency and humility due to age or who they are in the family or social environment. Nonetheless, relativity and compassion and connection are why we are all here on Earth together so if we act as though others have to care about our feelings but we show no concern for another's then we are essentially cutting ourselves off from those we want in our lives and if we don't care to really be honest, kind, and try to connect with those we say we love, can't we just let each other go and move on and stop being in each other's lives so I can have more peace?!!?!... We all need the closeness of another. Some need a village ;) What is ironic, the moment we are too scared or embarrassed to listen and repent when we have done another harm emotionally or physically, act in pride, defense, or any other condemning manner we become bitter, bit by bit. The first time we are unable to take accountability we teach ourselves to do it again and the more we do it the more we think it is acceptable to hurt others with no consequence. The selfishness of preserving our own feelings at the expense of another's or saving face because others may know we messed up and "what if they think worse of me because I messed up?" Horrified to have others think ill of us or to be deemed less, we actually close ourselves off and become hardened... love is an action... it is strong but is also timid and humble. If you take the soft love out and only know tough love you are not experiencing love in the form for which it was intended and you slowly become engulfed by the walls built to protect your ego... thorns that keep your love from coming through more and more. You see, if I can't tell you what is wrong, and can only say what is approved or acceptable in another's eyes, the relationship is onesided.... other sided. Fake. Fearful even... eggshell walking happens... always having to think before you speak to the point where you can't even be yourself for fear of relaxing so much that you might offend that person again by saying something they deem not okay. Having so many people in my life that are unaccountable and hardened has brought me to a point of who do I stop being around? Do I continue to be fake in certain situations to keep the peace... Is there really peace when you are around another person that only has a good time if you agree with everything or allow them to do as they want... even when just being yourself or speaking about things honestly causes that person to hate you? What happened to our child-like mind of simplicity in relationships... What happened to loving each other and being free to disagree, free to live your life, enjoy your hobbies, relax.... and not run over other people in the process? What happened to caring how you made another feel?