Monday, January 31, 2011

...And Then He asked Me

Today is Monday the 31st.  What an exciting day... it is... and it is the fourth day in a row I have felt this almost overwhelming... excitement....peace... encouragement... hope... inside of me.

After Parker passed away, I stopped having my period for months... three months, and too afraid to be devastated if I were wrong, I prayed throughout that time I was pregnant and believed.  I was, proclaimed by the display of a couple tests.... not pregnant at all.  I was diagnosed without any testing by Dr Barrette with PCOS, which I understand why... no ovulation for three months and my uterine lining was starting to grow outside of my cervix due to no period, thus, no shedding.  He started me on Progesterone and then birth control right away.  I did not know there was any other way.  Nothing else was discussed for now.  He said that when I was ready to get pregnant next year was when he would do the PCOS laproscopy testing that costs thousands of dollars and has the potential to release eggs into forced ovulation and get pregnant then.  All that sounded scary to me, but apparently I had no choice.

Here it is over three months after the fact.  If it were up to me, I would have been pregnant right away after our baby passed.  I know that many people think that it may be to replace what was.... it is not.  It is unbearable for a Mother to not mother... it is unfathomable even though I live it, to live life as if I never were a mommy to the sweetest baby.... as if I never held my son.... I can't go back to working in Tulsa where I was, drinking often, smoking, living with nothing to show for it... empty... my life has become so much more than it was before him... but I didn't know what to do now that THAT is no longer acceptable to me but my dreams WERE that little boy, being his mother, raising him with my beautiful husband... it was the greatest gift, being a mother... but Jason wasn't ready again. Jason would wait years for our next... I feel as though THAT is what I am meant to do now... that is my dream now...

This last Thursday, I went to get a second opinion on the PCOS with blood tests from Dr Steelmon... I have heard many things about her and felt great the first time I entered her office.  I waited on the day of my appointment two and a half hours for her, and Jason ended up getting off early!  So, he came for me. I was glad because I was so nervous.  I didn't want to be on birth control and needed to hear what to do. She said that the tests did not show any suspiciousness in my blood.  She could not rule out PCOS but no signs were in my blood work. She believed that I would not have another sick baby and said to get on 4000 mcg of folic acid just to prevent birth defects in my next baby and start taking a prenatal vitamin.  She said that if I were not pregnant in a month or have ovulation then she would put me on hormones instead of waiting months.... and I just felt good... positive.

When we were leaving, my husband told me while smiling that he was ready.  He wants to have a baby. He is ready to try now.  Now it is day four since then, and I am still so happy.  Everything is right now.  We are married...  we pray... I want the Lord to bless us and let us be fruitful and the glory be to His name forever.  In Jesus name I ask for the conception of our second child, that he/she be a healthy life.  Amen.

Thank you Lord that you have blessed me with such a wonderful husband and he is a good father.  Be with me Lord. I will keep my mind on You.  Bless my womb Lord. Thank You for the adventure this will be! To God be the glory!

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