Happy New 2011

Well, in almost 4 hours.  I figured I would blog now, before my brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews got here to play games.  I am cleaning the bathroom now... organizing, bla bla bla.  I deep-cleaned the kitchen and all the laundry is done.  I made bean dip with green chile sour cream topping.  I am drinking a Blackberry Witbier from Samuel Adams...

I pray health for everyone... me included for 2011... I pray for peace... I pray for mercy and forgiveness.   I pray for love and joy, happiness and motivation.  I pray for everyone to give... give themselves honestly to others.  I pray that I am more faithful, I pray for wisdom, and I pray for understanding.  God bless us all and keep us.  In Jesus name.

Maybe the last Amen for 2010.

Duck Duck Goose, NO... I mean Duck

So, Jason's coworker, Dustin, loves to hunt ducks, but he doesn't eat them... he came to work with several ducks already de-feathered, skinned, and filleted.  I was nervous because Jason wanted me to cook some this evening.  I searched online for recipes, but I couldn't find any that were for "SKINLESS' duck breasts or anything that would work... SO... in the roaster oven I prepared 3 breasts, 3 different ways----  one with apple butter, pumpkin spice, cloves, cayenne, and butter---- one with garlic, pepper, butter, and apple cider vinegar--- and one with soy sauce, cayenne, sugar, garlic, and butter.... I cooked them over a water bath... they look and smell delicious!

While they cooked, in a skillet I prepared one breast with Sherry, bell peppers, onions, salt, pepper, and garlic.  I cooked it medium and served it with mixed veggies and brown rice...

I was nervous about what duck would be like: texture, flavor, cooking necessity, et cetera; however, I must say, what an easy and delightful experience cooking and eating this once neglected bird!  He will no longer be overlooked in this household... he is dense but easy to chew... and the flavor is pretty outstanding if I do say so myself.

Soup For Breakfast?

Saturday was Christmas.  We first hung out at Jason's Aunt Vicki and Uncle Ron's.  Which was great until she wanted to verbally bash my ex mother in law.  Yes, I know she left my father in law, but since you don't know if she did anything bad, either by his account or by seeing anything yourself,  you can't just say she was horrible.  Marriage is two-sided, and I had spoke to Angie when Parker was still here and she was very unhappy.  So, I spoke up about having some mercy on her by not acting like she did something wrong.  Then her daughter asked, "so you really don't think she was seeing someone else?"  I said no. She asked, "You know for sure??"  I told them both I didn't know for sure, or heard anything like that, so I won't act like it's true or even a possibility.  I also, will not believe hearsay from someone who doesn't know for sure either.  Especially when Aunt Vicki never liked her...they didn't like each other.  If you talk to Vick though, she was always nice and Angie was horrible.  I never saw Angie be horrible.  So, I love Aunt Vicki, but I can't think badly of someone who never showed me bad.

Then we went to my Dad's which was great... we played and ate and I was so tired by the end of it!

Sunday we went to Jason's Aunt Sandi and Uncle Fred's and hung out and saw his Grandma Wade.  I think she is just a wonderful lady... We (Sandi, Grandma, and I) talked about gardening and just had a great time!  Afterwards. Jason and I ate at Outback with our friends, Nia and Chris.  That was a nice visit too!  They invited us over for New Years but Nia is getting her wisdom teeth out this week and highly doubt she will want visitors on New Years.

Yesterday, Monday I woke up at 6 am and cleaned the house all day.  Laundry, kitchen, living room, etc... you know, the every day job of we housewives.  Then, last night, my sister in law Lela came and picked me up and we went to her cousin Crystal's to hang out for a while.  I was so exhausted!  I don't even remember falling asleep after I got home.  I know Jas was up... he only has to work 8 hours a day this week and he slept from 2pm to 7pm... and I guess he stayed up till I got home at midnight.  Then we got into bed, and I remember being worried a little that anxiety was bothering me, but it must have only lasted moments, because I woke up this morning at ten am.  So I got over nine hours of sleep!  Geez.... So today I won't get anything done, because I have to meet Lora at noon to eat here in Claremore, then Jason gets off at one, then we have to pick up the dresser from Ben's then go to grief counseling at four which means we have to leave at 3:15 or so... sorry honey, I wanted to be productive :(

The Eve of Our Saviour's Birth

So tomorrow we celebrate the day our Saviour, Jesus Christ, was born of the virgin, Mary, and came to save us.  I am having many thoughts, none ready to be expressed.  Thank you, Father, for sending your Son.  Thank you, Father, for saving us through Him.  Thank you, Lord.

Last night, my older brother and sister-in-law came over; we just talked and had a good time while Jason and I shared a bottle of Merlot.  I do not drink Merlot often, but Jason and I enjoyed it.

Today I will make Chocolate Chip Toffee Cookies and prepare my green bean casserole for tomorrow.  Last night, I made pinwheels with ham, green onions, tomatoes, cream cheese, celery, and spices.  They were delicious!  My sister-in-law kept eating the ends of the tortillas with the filling since I just throw those out.

I went to see Gram Gram yesterday, and I watched her make Apple Butter... it is sooo delicious!  She gave me the recipe and sent some home with me, too!  So last night, when Chris and Lela were here I also made biscuits, and we oohed and awed over her delicious Apple Butter! I told her not even to bother canning it because it wouldn't last long in this house.... well, after breakfast this morning of eggs and biscuits with Apple Butter, the jar is almost empty!  No reason to be bummed about it though, because Gram also sent me with Peach Butter.. yea yea!

Coffee and Water

Good Morning!  Well, it is actually the very end of the morning, briskly approaching 11:30 am.  So, good "brunch-time everyone!  LOL, I just ordered myself a Swedish Massage for me from Jason for Christmas online... Sweet!  Thank you Honey.  I am enjoying Pumpkin Spiced coffee made from my own pot, meaning it is not a four-dollar cup o joe... however, it sure tastes expensive to me :)

I had such a good time last night with a great friend.  We just had a couple of drinks and talked for a few hours and listened to some really silly karaoke... My husband was kind enough to take us and pick us up afterward... Which neither of us stay out or up in general, late.  So we were back at her house right after ten.  Then I came home, watched a movie, and slept great.

Today I am going to Gram Gram's and eating soup.  I love her so much!!! It will be nice to have some time with her.  I guess even though my grandfather  doesn't seem to enjoy me, it won't be too bad if he is there, too.

I am so glad Jas is off until Monday.... I hope he has a great four-day weekend... Love that man so much!

Excited

I am so excited... I spent a great day with my dad.  We shopped, which both of us do not like to do!  Then we ate, which both of us LIKE to do :) and then we went to Parker's grave to put flowers in his vase.  I stopped and bought yellow roses and white mums... we had to cut them to size there, so Dad got out his pocket knife and before he cut the bunch, had cut good into his thumb!  We both just looked at his thumb... course I wasn't totally sure he had cut it, but then he said "It's gonna bleed in a minute"... Oh Dad... Anyway, he wrapped it in a rag then cleaned it after we got to my house.  Then our good friends, Dan and Chastitiy had their baby girl today so we ran by the hospital to behold this beautiful little girl!!!!!! She is such a dollface!!!! I love her already :)  Now, here in an hour I am going to go hang out with Sam at the Casino!  Whoo Hoo!!!!!

A Day With My Dad

So I am up at 8 am and now it is 9am and ready for my Daddy to pick me up. I am so excited that today is Jason's last day to work this week!!! The next four days are ours :)  We get to fix the bushes in the front yard and take out the fence posts from the back... Yay (slightly unenthusiastically) And Christmas on Saturday with my Dad's side of the family :)  How wonderful is that?  Very!

Ooooo You Make Me Liiiive

So today was gooooooood (said with the beginning of the word good being normal and not too excited, holding the oooo and going up at the end like you are not sure if it was good or not, but you think it was good)  I finally got the call from Floral Haven that Parker's grave marker is in and set.  It really looks... uh.... I was about to say good, but that just doesn't seem right speaking towards such a solemn item.  For what it is, it is the best.  It is a bronze granite marker that is a teddy bear and on it is written:

Parker Boyd Wade

Jan-Aug 2010

Parker Bear Peanut Head

I went by there today; tomorrow I will head to Tulsa with my dad for last minute Christmas shopping (his, not mine) and see if he will take me to set flowers in his vase.  I want to do this every week, or often enough to keep them fresh.  I broke down pretty hard.  I struggle with him being gone.  I know that he is with the Father... I know this.  I just miss him and his porcelain pink skin... I miss his beautiful blue eyes, strawberry-yellow golden curls, little red lips, thick cheeks, cleft chin, big Buddha belly, his peaceful nature, the happiness and calmness at the touch of my hands, how he loved a good spongebath and listening to his music...

Just typing this makes my chest convulse a bit with upcoming sobs being held in-- held in because I did this today already.  He is all better now.  He is with Jesus who came to make us all better.  He doesn't want me to be sad.  I was already sad today... I don't want to go back to crying all the time.  I did nothing else. I am going in the right direction now... Parker is healthy and happy forever now.  Now Mommy needs to be healthy so we can get Parker some brothers and sisters, and more of that sweet joy that babies bring.

Church on Sunday Morning

After church today, we had lunch with one of the few couples our age.  We had a really good time.  It was nice, both of us, friends, food, kids.... felt good.  Natural.  I feel good today.  Service was good... The kiddos put on a program while Jason held Rachel and Jared's little boy who is not even six months I think... He is such a doll...   I can't wait til June of next year so we can start trying for our next baby boy/girl...  I wish it was June already.

Well, tonight I am going  Christmas caroling and to see my nephew at my Dad's... Off to get started on something productive.

Oh!  I have started going through our gardening books to get ready for next year!!!  I am going to be knowledgeable and productive in the name of Jesus AMEN :)

The Morning After

Yesterday, I did the bulletin board at the church which really looks great I think.  Then Jason and I went to grief counseling... I have been really struggling as to whether or not I like who I have been seeing, so I really counted on Jason's opinion here.  It is the first time ever he has seen one apparently.  Well, I start having a panic attack the moment he picks me up from the church.... talk about taking your car to the dealer when it is actually acting up!  I struggled the whole way there, trying not to think of how fidgety I felt, singing Christmas songs while weird pains pulsed through my arms and my breathing felt different and like I had to control it more.... the attack had started to subside when we got there; however, for the next hour or so it can get just as bad very easily.  We sat down on his floral couch, and he noticed... I just told him that I was having a panic attack. Nothing more. 

"Well, what are you afraid of?"

"I have discomfort in my left arm and pains in my legs.. Could be a blood clot I guess is what I am afraid of right now."

"Okay, so you are afraid of a blood clot and it turning into a deadly stroke, then?"

"Yea, I guess."

"So?"

Blank stare from me to him.

"So what if you did have a blood clot?"

"I don't know."

"Kindra, how many times have you had a panic attack and died?:

"Never" as I laugh a little.

"So, odds are, you'll get through this one too then"

I relax a little.

"I am not going to feel sorry for you.  You have to face it:."

"Wha?"

"You are feeding it."

I think I am scowling at this point.  Feeling pretty ganged-up on... by my own body and now this guy.

"I am not going to baby you and continue to feed this and make it bigger for you."

"I don't complain about it... I AM facing it... I am going through it.  Trying to logically combat it, but it is still here and I still feel everything I tell myself isn't real, but I still feeeeel it."  I snapped at him, feeling a little antagonized. 

"Excuses.I don't want your excuses of what isn't working and how you can't stop it.  You have to face the dragon.  I am not going to let you make excuses."

I snap my head over to Jason, "Don't you talk to me like this at home."  Must get out... I can't stop this, so why is he saying it is my fault.  Then I say just that out loud.

"That is not what I said... You are taking it that way. " The counselor, "No excuses. I am sorry if I am not going to coddle you."

"I feel like you are antagonizing me, provoking me"

"I'm really not."

Jason spoke up,"no Honey, he isn't."

I felt like I in a cross-fire. Without realizing it, at this point, my anger replaced all of the anxiety.  At this point, I get what has been said.  At this point, he explains further that he means "feeding the dragon that rears up.... with my fear".... and it makes sense.  I do not have to fear it.  

After the appointment, I ask Jason what he thinks of him... "very smart man" he says.

I get dropped off at the Olive Garden where I meet my two buddies... Gabs didn't make it, so it is just the three of us, but we had a blast!  We laughed.  Joked about our flaws.  Had wine and great conversation.  I am blessed.  When I got home, Jason was waiting up for me.  We went to bed and slept great.

Missed Call and Old Coffee

My grandmother (Dad's Mom) called me yesterday and left a message; she wanted me to come sit with her while she washed her comforters at the local laundromat.  I remember being in my friend Crystal's SUV when my phone notified me of a new message.  I flipped it open to the main display screen but there was no missed call.  Figuring it must have been the pastor's wife, since we just got off the phone together, I didn't think anything of listening then and later just forgot altogether.  Not that I could have gone to see her, since I was already with someone else and not in town, but if you feel about your grandma the way I do about mine, then you know that you don't like to EVER miss a call or keep her waiting.  I love Gam Gam... funny, at 27, I just started calling her by this new nickname.  I thought she needed one.  All the special grandmas are called something different I speculated, so I gave her Gam Gam... better late than not at all, right?  Grandpa doesn't get one, though, because he has gotten really grumpy in his older age, which most do, but being difficult does not a cute nickname derive.

This is a good morning so far.

I rolled out of my gunpowder grey comforter and red sheets, heated up coffee from a pot made yesterday (yea, yea I know... gross, whatever), and am trying to go over the things I am supposed to do today.  I feel alright.  I slept easily last night, which is very unusual.  Working out before bed has got to be the best thing since sex that clears my mind of anxiety which usually keeps me awake... Thank you Father for restful sleep!!!  What am I to do today?  I have lunch today at 11 with Amber (a girl I haven't seen since highschool and didn't even hang out with then, not totally sure she even liked me.... can't remember... oh well, it's been 10 years and it will be nice to get to know a new person)  I have social anxiety around new people so I wonder if I am going to struggle with that today...  and then I have to head to the church.  I do their bulletin board; you see, Christmas is right around the corner, but I have been sick for  over a week and unable to get up there, not that I remembered in the first place from feeling "the crud".  Anyway, Christmas is around the corner, so I hope they are not irritated that I haven't done it sooner.

Then, this evening at 6, Jason and I have grief counseling together; afterward he will drop me off in Broken Arrow at Olive Garden to eat with some of the best girls I could ever call my friends!  They are always a breath of fresh air, they don't have crude senses of humor like most people, and they are hilarious, fun, and seriously resonate what a good friend should be.... I am so blessed I have tears welling up... our get together is long overdue... I have missed southern lovin in the form of my awesome posse.

Dear Father, thank you for today.... thank you for opportunities to be helpful and for much-heeling fellowship.  Thank you for my husband and my friends.  Thank you for my health and for my future children.  In Jesus name.

Before the Ever's After

So, today I am doing alright.... who knows.  I am feeling very tired.  Not the usual "Man it's been a long day" type of tired, but the "Man, something must physically be wrong with me for me to be this sluggishly worn-down in my body" tired.  I keep thinking about my mom and what she said before she died... "Kindra, I just feel so tired, you know what I mean?  Not tired", she said in a very soft, breathy voice, "but tired, you know?".... I did.  Somehow, even having never felt what she so vaguely described, I knew.  I really did know... and I thought.... "How can she be worn down like this at such a young age?"...but she was, and that scared me.  However, she had a disease; a rare genetic deficiency, but I too, now, feel the urge to tell someone, anyone the same thing.  How do I tell the doctor that I just don't feel right... I got tested for what she had last year when I was pregnant, but maybe I should get tested again.  I should quit smoking, so why don't I?  I want more children.... life can't be going this way!  My little baby boy just passed away 3 months ago..... how can it feel like all health is unraveling; it should just be my mental health, not my entire health.  I have to have more children and be healthy and happy... life can not be going and CAN NOT stay this way.  Jason is tired too.  He has been working six days a week, twelve hours a day and school in the evenings until bedtime.  He is exhausted too.  He needs to quit smoking too.  I love him so much... What a sad year and a half, losing my mother and our infant, his first son; I want to be healthy and make him happy and take care of him.... Even after mom died last year, this year had hope; it had such wonder and beauty while Parker was in my womb and after he was born, but why is life like it is now?  Both of us worn out, though neither of us are physically active.... me waaaaay less than he.  I did get a gym membership today though, so maybe that will help me feel physically healthier... Dear Heavenly Father, my Creator... make me all better.  I am only 27.  I believe that there must be more than this sadness and deterioration...
"Happily" must have been the slip-in after Mom died where I found out I was pregnant, and even when we found out Parker was sick after he was born, that sweet little boy and my husband made me happy, too.  That can't be all of happiness in my lifetime.  I must be caught in words stuttered... after the "happily" but before the "after"....