Monday, January 10, 2011

Nose and Tears are Running

So I am having a good day.  I did start to look at pictures of my Parker, though, which always turns me into a mess.  It has been over four months now since he went to be with our Savior and my heart cries for him always.  When I look at pictures, the tears don't flow right away; they don't come until I see one of the pictures, may be a different one every time, that sparks that feeling I had that certain day or moment like I am there again and can feel his little soft white arms or sweet thick cheek and look into those beautiful bright blue eyes like a morning summer sky without the sun blinding you... or the fact that he was doing so good that day and it makes me sad that he couldn't have gotten better for always.  Then it starts...  I start talking out loud to the pictures and videos on the computer that I love him... that "I still and always love you, Baby"over and over again, while the wetness drips off my face plopping drops on the bed I am sitting on, my nose slowly stopping up and running at the same time like always when you blubber this hard and constant.  Then I hold my stomach like I want him back in here where he was safe; I look up to God and just sob.  I hope for more children so the ache of my baby being gone doesn't hurt like it does now, delibitatingly sometimes...  as if I don't understand that he was sick... it just feels like out of nowhere he was gone, ripped away from my life, "my sweet baby" I cry... over and over and over.  I go through the pictures faster, flipping through because I don't want to or don't know how to make myself stop, but know that this needs to end before this is my whole day.... before this becomes all I did today, mourn like this.  When it won't bring him back, and I know this is not what will make me feel better... crying is fine... sobbing is great, but getting lost in it like this will do nothing but put me back to that night... I was so bewildered and shocked and disbelieving and feeling as though I was losing my grip... I don't want to go back there, to that low in a well so deep and dark I feel separated and alone and tired and so delibitatingly sad.... and eventually the pictures are done.  I am sniffing and my nose is all stopped up now, the tears have stopped, I think, but in my vision I see the tears that are separated out upon my lashes and still feel wetness spread across my eyelids.  Then it is quiet.  I am exhausted, but the day is far from done.  Today is that day.

Now it is a few hours later.  I have done laundry, made homemade wheat bread with applesauce, agave nectar, and no sugar.  It is very delicious.  I have butter heating on the stove for pan-seared steak which is dinner, along with broccoli and, you guessed it, bread!  I had a great phone conversation with Becca for two hours, I know!  I never talk on the phone like that, but I was glad for it today :)  I have cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and there is much still to do.  Jason came home, then went to school, and since it is snowing and the ground is wet and th roads have the possibility of becoming dangerous, I had to cancel playing cards with my cousin, Vicki.  No fun :(  Anyway, it is now almost seven and Jason is headed back from school, so I will get off here and get ready for him.

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