February 8th

Today, Feb 8th, Wednesday, I start Femara.  It was originally only used for breast cancer.  Women started getting pregnant on it, so they started using it as a fertility medication.  I have been on Clomid and not responded.

I am so anxious to hold our next baby.  I have dreeeeaaaams of our boys... they are always more boys ha!

PCOS is such a pain.  I fear a diagnosis down the road that would make this journey of potential pregnancy just a dream, so we are embarking and have been for over six months.  No success... and before we started the fertility process, we had gotten pregnant after almost six months of trying.... this ended in a miscarriage.  Suffice it to say, trying to get pregnant for over a year is defeating.  Definitely, it is a struggle to even be romantic, because though we know that we are coming together as husband and wife, we are coming together to bring new life into the world, and every month we are reminded that all our effort was unfruitful to extend our family.  It is like college.  You go.  You pray you will get a degree, but after years, you do get worn down and some drop out.  However, when we get that beautiful baby, or ha ha you get that degree.... the road traveled is seen in a different and more positive light... and hindsight is always 20/20... "we should have been more patient" "we should have just had more faith" "we should have relaxed more and just knew that it would happen" "we should have enjoyed the ride more now that we have the baby, I wish we would have made it feel less like a chore and spent more time with each other" but the truth is... right now,  I am praying that I will have a baby, but I do not know how this will end.  It is easy to say later that we should have enjoyed the ride knowing then that I were to be with child; for now, I no not that future as certain.  It is very daunting a fear I fight. I know that what I am reaching for is only so much up to me to achieve.  It is up to God first and foremost.  It is up to my husband as a dedicated, willing participant to the journey.  It is up to my Drs to keep track and plan out my next step.  It is up to me to keep focused on good things in life and keep my attitude in check... it is up to me to be gentle with my husband; if I feel defeated, he must and I want this journey to continue, so I welcome him to relax and be himself around me without pressure to always meet my needs; I try and meet his needs.

I try to keep my faith in check, which is horrible, because I haven't read my Bible in forever and when I do I always feel as though I can't just read; I feel the pressure of remembering everything I read, so I study, take notes and try and apply everything, understand everything.  I get defeated easily in life as I see things I believe for not come to pass.  Millions of examples I could name, but more than all, I wanted my Mom, my StepDad, and my Parker to live, to be healed.  God healed them.  He knew what I meant though... and He did not let them stay with me.  It is a fact, and I understand that He knows what we and they needed and sometimes we ask for things that are not for the best and as a good father, He knows what is best and doesn't always give us what we ask for. Because sometimes we don't understand that what we are asking for would cause pain or harm to another I am sure.  Either way, it is hard to pray for things to come when I feel as though He will do as He wills either way and my prayer does nothing it seems.

I am realizing more and more that this is not the goal I should have in mind.  It is not what I do; it is about what Christ has already done.  I can only know what God wants me to know.   I am getting better at knowing that what I need is what I need.  I told out pastor that we were going to be looking at different churches over the next couple of months.  He did not respond well.  He said that they all had invested their hearts into us.  The truth is, I need fed.  After losing three of the most wonderful people in my life, I know that we are the church.... not some building.  I need passionate, fiery faith to keep my heart and head about water when I have come so far to sinking.  I need to be led by people who have the faith I need.  I am not stoic.  I am not reserved as a person.  We are the body and are all different parts... I am not the same part that the Lutheran church I attend must be.  I am almost  30.  I am tired of trying to fit when I don't.  I love them, told him, but I can't let that guilt me into staying, when I could flourish in my rightful place as soon as I move to find it and God shows me.  The point is that I worship and spend time with God... it should not matter where, as long as it is where God dwells... and He dwells where two or more are gathered in His name.

All this to say, this embracing of a journey that seems disheartening at times, is ever reminding me that I need my heart and soul nurtured.  You have to keep stress down in the fertility process.... this teaches me to notice what causes me unhappiness or depression... and if I need to make a change or can make a change, I will do it.  If I cannot, then, how do I think about it and handle it differently?  I am being proactive.  There are so many people on anti-depressants.  I wish I could really sit down and help people understand that usually, we are all just a few minor adjustments from being content.  It is the forcing yourself to dwell in a non-peaceful situation or an environment in which you do not belong that starts your mind down the path of depression, hanging out with those who tear you down and not build you up, etc.  Your brain lets you know that danger is here or that this isn't for you--- signals you to change and you don't... speak up and you won't... move and you stay.  You fight yourself from doing what is healthy, and you  sacrifice your health.  You stay, so your brain gets confused... and sad.  Then time goes by and you wonder why you are unhappy, how long you have been unhappy, and how you got there.... but now you don't even know what to fix... so you take drugs, and think that something must be wrong with you...

I am living the only life I get.

I am responsible for the choices I make....

and the choices I forfeit.


I trust He will guide me as I keep walking while I have feet to do so... and prayerfully He will use me to help others as He has done before.

Depression begins when a triangle peg tries to fit into a circle-shaped hole.  Even if you are doing it because you love other circles.... you are not a circle... love them, but don't sacrifice yourself.  I have done it for so long, that maybe it took losing like Job... maybe it took, the depth of loss and not knowing where to go or what to do with my life from here to make me see the aimlessness in my past... the muddling through.  My son gave me purpose... I was passionate about him... I refuse to live a life that is passionless and me-less.  I am going to give it all I have got.  I may belly flop, but I have to try to dive either way.

Today I start Femara and I am not scared of the side effects.  My life will go and end as it should... my fear will only cause discomfort when I could have peace along the way... here goes.