Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I am exhausted, but it is after one in the morning.  I NEVER stay up this late.  WHY?!?!?  Why did I?  OH thaaaaaaaat's right.  I rented two movies from Redbox two days ago I didn't have time to watch so I crammed them in tonight, and forfeited my rest.  Not a smart move!  I love being rested.  I need to remember that the next time I don't think before I spend money on something I don't have time to use.

  I am looking up baby names, even though Jason is already so sure, and I kind of suggested all these names in the first place.  I may convince him to budge while I am growing (I am speaking in faith here) over the next nine months. Ha!  I almost changed Parker's name at the last minute, so we'll see.

That brings me to my thought tonight:  I am sure people don't like some other people's names.  We don't tell someone usually though that we don't like their name.  Once a baby is born, one doesn't say, "Oh, I don't like that; I am going to call them _____".  No, those of us who want the people we love to still hang out with us know better... Why do people lose all that self control when you are pregnant and feel free to comment on whatever name they don't like with reckless abandon?  It is the same thing as when I am eating my delicious lunch and you notice whatever it is of which I am partaking, and decide, WHILE I AM EATING IT, to tell me just how gross you think it is.  Although I do enjoy that you have opinions, in times like these, shhhh.  The world needs variety; if everyone liked what you liked and were just like you, it would be so boring!  Take joy in our differences and enjoy the freedom to name your kid Sparkle or whatever YOU want, and I won't rain on your parade =)

Okay, so tonight, in faith, I started taking my high dosage of Folic Acid.  I am so excited.

Also, I was reading my Christian book Boundaries, and got to James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.   And I went about my afternoon... this scripture simmering in my heart.  I really don't enjoy the tediousness of what I do, and that I am so overqualified, a people person, and so energetic that I just don't belong in a pile of paper scanning all day and filing in a room... AAAAH!  BUT to help me kind of enjoy it I went home and grabbed my IPOD.  As I was listening to my classical orchestra jams, I realized how happy I was, my movement was rhythmical, my demeanor was uplifted.  When my chores were over for the day, I pulled out my earbuds and headed to Bret's office.  I sat down in the chair across from his desk and shared my heart.  I told him thank you for hiring me last year, when  I could barely function in life at all after Parker died, and helping me to have something routine, probably being a catalyst for me rejoining the living in some ways..... but this year, I am saddened to admit that I am alive again, and I don't fit here.  I have to have human connection and variety... I am way over qualified, and I just don't enjoy it.  I want to.  I love the people I work with, but I just don't like the work that I do. 

I am so proud that I was able to do it.  All from James.  I wanted to confess to Bret.  I felt a weight lifted off of me.  I didn't quit; we are thinking about what I shall do.  I offered to train someone; I told him that for sure it would be a struggle to complete this tax season.  

I just have 'cabin fever' per se... thaaaat bad.  I don't want to be treated as if 'scanner girl' is as smart as I am; a scanner girl was all I could muster after Parker went home.  I am not in that place anymore.  A job is over half my waking hours.  If I have one, which I don't need in the first place, I want to look forward to going.  I want to know that 'I' am in there in some way.

That's keeping you 'in the know' for now.
Good night.

No comments:

Post a Comment