Thursday, December 16, 2010

Before the Ever's After

So, today I am doing alright.... who knows.  I am feeling very tired.  Not the usual "Man it's been a long day" type of tired, but the "Man, something must physically be wrong with me for me to be this sluggishly worn-down in my body" tired.  I keep thinking about my mom and what she said before she died... "Kindra, I just feel so tired, you know what I mean?  Not tired", she said in a very soft, breathy voice, "but tired, you know?".... I did.  Somehow, even having never felt what she so vaguely described, I knew.  I really did know... and I thought.... "How can she be worn down like this at such a young age?"...but she was, and that scared me.  However, she had a disease; a rare genetic deficiency, but I too, now, feel the urge to tell someone, anyone the same thing.  How do I tell the doctor that I just don't feel right... I got tested for what she had last year when I was pregnant, but maybe I should get tested again.  I should quit smoking, so why don't I?  I want more children.... life can't be going this way!  My little baby boy just passed away 3 months ago..... how can it feel like all health is unraveling; it should just be my mental health, not my entire health.  I have to have more children and be healthy and happy... life can not be going and CAN NOT stay this way.  Jason is tired too.  He has been working six days a week, twelve hours a day and school in the evenings until bedtime.  He is exhausted too.  He needs to quit smoking too.  I love him so much... What a sad year and a half, losing my mother and our infant, his first son; I want to be healthy and make him happy and take care of him.... Even after mom died last year, this year had hope; it had such wonder and beauty while Parker was in my womb and after he was born, but why is life like it is now?  Both of us worn out, though neither of us are physically active.... me waaaaay less than he.  I did get a gym membership today though, so maybe that will help me feel physically healthier... Dear Heavenly Father, my Creator... make me all better.  I am only 27.  I believe that there must be more than this sadness and deterioration...
"Happily" must have been the slip-in after Mom died where I found out I was pregnant, and even when we found out Parker was sick after he was born, that sweet little boy and my husband made me happy, too.  That can't be all of happiness in my lifetime.  I must be caught in words stuttered... after the "happily" but before the "after"....

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