Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Morning After

Yesterday, I did the bulletin board at the church which really looks great I think.  Then Jason and I went to grief counseling... I have been really struggling as to whether or not I like who I have been seeing, so I really counted on Jason's opinion here.  It is the first time ever he has seen one apparently.  Well, I start having a panic attack the moment he picks me up from the church.... talk about taking your car to the dealer when it is actually acting up!  I struggled the whole way there, trying not to think of how fidgety I felt, singing Christmas songs while weird pains pulsed through my arms and my breathing felt different and like I had to control it more.... the attack had started to subside when we got there; however, for the next hour or so it can get just as bad very easily.  We sat down on his floral couch, and he noticed... I just told him that I was having a panic attack. Nothing more. 

"Well, what are you afraid of?"

"I have discomfort in my left arm and pains in my legs.. Could be a blood clot I guess is what I am afraid of right now."

"Okay, so you are afraid of a blood clot and it turning into a deadly stroke, then?"

"Yea, I guess."


Blank stare from me to him.

"So what if you did have a blood clot?"

"I don't know."

"Kindra, how many times have you had a panic attack and died?:

"Never" as I laugh a little.

"So, odds are, you'll get through this one too then"

I relax a little.

"I am not going to feel sorry for you.  You have to face it:."


"You are feeding it."

I think I am scowling at this point.  Feeling pretty ganged-up on... by my own body and now this guy.

"I am not going to baby you and continue to feed this and make it bigger for you."

"I don't complain about it... I AM facing it... I am going through it.  Trying to logically combat it, but it is still here and I still feel everything I tell myself isn't real, but I still feeeeel it."  I snapped at him, feeling a little antagonized. 

"Excuses.I don't want your excuses of what isn't working and how you can't stop it.  You have to face the dragon.  I am not going to let you make excuses."

I snap my head over to Jason, "Don't you talk to me like this at home."  Must get out... I can't stop this, so why is he saying it is my fault.  Then I say just that out loud.

"That is not what I said... You are taking it that way. " The counselor, "No excuses. I am sorry if I am not going to coddle you."

"I feel like you are antagonizing me, provoking me"

"I'm really not."

Jason spoke up,"no Honey, he isn't."

I felt like I in a cross-fire. Without realizing it, at this point, my anger replaced all of the anxiety.  At this point, I get what has been said.  At this point, he explains further that he means "feeding the dragon that rears up.... with my fear".... and it makes sense.  I do not have to fear it.  

After the appointment, I ask Jason what he thinks of him... "very smart man" he says.

I get dropped off at the Olive Garden where I meet my two buddies... Gabs didn't make it, so it is just the three of us, but we had a blast!  We laughed.  Joked about our flaws.  Had wine and great conversation.  I am blessed.  When I got home, Jason was waiting up for me.  We went to bed and slept great.

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