Saturday, December 18, 2010
The Morning After
Yesterday, I did the bulletin board at the church which really looks great I think. Then Jason and I went to grief counseling... I have been really struggling as to whether or not I like who I have been seeing, so I really counted on Jason's opinion here. It is the first time ever he has seen one apparently. Well, I start having a panic attack the moment he picks me up from the church.... talk about taking your car to the dealer when it is actually acting up! I struggled the whole way there, trying not to think of how fidgety I felt, singing Christmas songs while weird pains pulsed through my arms and my breathing felt different and like I had to control it more.... the attack had started to subside when we got there; however, for the next hour or so it can get just as bad very easily. We sat down on his floral couch, and he noticed... I just told him that I was having a panic attack. Nothing more.
"Well, what are you afraid of?"
"I have discomfort in my left arm and pains in my legs.. Could be a blood clot I guess is what I am afraid of right now."
"Okay, so you are afraid of a blood clot and it turning into a deadly stroke, then?"
"Yea, I guess."
Blank stare from me to him.
"So what if you did have a blood clot?"
"I don't know."
"Kindra, how many times have you had a panic attack and died?:
"Never" as I laugh a little.
"So, odds are, you'll get through this one too then"
I relax a little.
"I am not going to feel sorry for you. You have to face it:."
"You are feeding it."
I think I am scowling at this point. Feeling pretty ganged-up on... by my own body and now this guy.
"I am not going to baby you and continue to feed this and make it bigger for you."
"I don't complain about it... I AM facing it... I am going through it. Trying to logically combat it, but it is still here and I still feel everything I tell myself isn't real, but I still feeeeel it." I snapped at him, feeling a little antagonized.
"Excuses.I don't want your excuses of what isn't working and how you can't stop it. You have to face the dragon. I am not going to let you make excuses."
I snap my head over to Jason, "Don't you talk to me like this at home." Must get out... I can't stop this, so why is he saying it is my fault. Then I say just that out loud.
"That is not what I said... You are taking it that way. " The counselor, "No excuses. I am sorry if I am not going to coddle you."
"I feel like you are antagonizing me, provoking me"
"I'm really not."
Jason spoke up,"no Honey, he isn't."
I felt like I in a cross-fire. Without realizing it, at this point, my anger replaced all of the anxiety. At this point, I get what has been said. At this point, he explains further that he means "feeding the dragon that rears up.... with my fear".... and it makes sense. I do not have to fear it.
After the appointment, I ask Jason what he thinks of him... "very smart man" he says.
I get dropped off at the Olive Garden where I meet my two buddies... Gabs didn't make it, so it is just the three of us, but we had a blast! We laughed. Joked about our flaws. Had wine and great conversation. I am blessed. When I got home, Jason was waiting up for me. We went to bed and slept great.