Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Lesson in Peace through Impatience Among Other Random Thoughts

Saturday... the day before Easter.  The day before our Lord was resurrected.   I want so much for this to fill me... we went to church the last two evenings going through the parts of the death and tonight and tomorrow to go through unto the resurrection.   I like going to church more often; it fills me with peace and I just feel as though I am where I need to be, but not necessarily the church I attend, just around God's Word.  The more I go to the church I attend though I do feel as though I should find a different one.  I just don't seem to fit there it seems.  Like a circle trying to fit into a square hole.  I don't know.

I am still not pregnant, but I believe that it will happen.  Of course, our best laid plans are not the ones that stand.... God's do.  So I pray that it be His will for me to conceive again.

I want a fire to move within me... to be more motivated.  I have had a big problem with anxiety lately and seem to drown in it instead of have dominion over it as the Word says.  Maybe that is the problem.  I do not do "peace" very well. I always want passionate movement... fiery existence and if I am not moving or having much excitement or romance my mind thinks something is wrong.  Maybe the Lord is trying to show me otherwise.  I am like a child, but have a problem with the childlike faith part.  I have a curiosity toward life and long for the next adventure, but don't know how to sit still.... and have gone through enough sorrow and trauma for my faith to be a little traumatized.  I pray for more faith as I know my Lord provides.

So today I am thankful for what is.  I am thankful for everything I do not have.  I am thankful for everything that I have to do even if I don't consider it exciting.  I am thankful for what the Lord, my Savior, is doing inside of me.  I pray for me to adjust my desire to His will...  I pray over my emotions that they conform to what is pleasing to my King.  Thank you Father for your Son... Thank you Lord for choosing to be a sacrifice for our sins.... Thank you so that we may repent and rest with you forever.

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