Merry Christmaaaa.... Wha? Wait a minuuuuute.

Nope.  It is true.  Again.  For my family Christmas comes but twice a year, once in January and the other in  December.  Well, Christ was only born once, but He is still the reason for the season, and it is so important to us that we insist on seeing all of us together, so we wait till traffic and people are done hustling and bustling so travel will be easier on those who must; residents of Texas and Arkansas alike will be in attendance :) We get together with lots of food, laughs, catching up, Dirty Santa game, lots of hugs, and good ol' fashion love.  If I am lucky, we throw in a game of NERTZ at the end of the long day; however, my pleading for NERTZ works waaaaay less often now that I am older than 20.  When we play, it is soooo much fun though!  We rouse each other with a healthy dose of,
how do the french say,
le smack talk?
LOL, yea. Smack talk.  We all have good spirits about it though.

So I wake up this "other" Christmas morning at 8:00am and find I forgot to put my pinwheels in the refrigerator which is kind of ironic because I am not sure they were good in the first place... messed em up pretty bad this time.  Oh well, the joy in offering to make several things is the joy of still having things to take if one or two flop!  So I will get started on my broccoli and cheese, mashed potatoes, and we will be on our way by 11:45am.

I am sooo tired this morning.  I stayed up till after one and have no clue as to why my body rejected the idea of sleeping in past 8:00 since that is less than seven hours and I don't do well without at least 8.  So, even though I feel yucky-like still tired and kind of achey from not sleeping much, apparently I am up and after this little complaint about it, I will not let it affect me anymore as my coffee is done, and I have two parts of lunch to start and some raspberry sauce for the key lime pies I made yesterday.  Hope people aren't grossed out by the rind in the pie.... I know a few years ago I would have been unsure and maybe auto-not liked it, but now I understand the point and the texture doesn't throw me off.  

LOL, I can hear Jason snoring loudly from the bedroom!  Well, time for coffee and a shower, and to "get this party starteeeeed riiiiiight noooow!" -Pink

Love like we need each other, so that people can relate If you're rolling to your left, don't forget I'm on the right Trust and forgive each other A little love and we just might ---Get It Together by Seal

So I am groovin to the music... I have had my cardboard, ahem, I mean oatmeal with raisins and flax seed... like I said, cardboard.... for breakfast... I am getting ready to eat some spaghetti and take a break from my cleaning and dancing for a minute... then at two I will do a mile at the gym..... think I am going to bump it to twice a day today... It is making me feel so good I am not sure I only want to do once a day anymore... shweeeeeet...

Period still here.  However, it is so light I almost don't need anything... BUT it still hurts like a beast :)  

Okay, so tonight I am going to go to my friend Rachel's, with Robi... it's Grey's Night!!!!  YeaYea! WootWoot! Anyway, since I have quit smoking, today has been the hardest.  I don't know why other than the fact that Robi smokes and I am heavily a social smoker.  YIKES!   I don't know.... what.... well, after talking to Rachel, I think I will grab some snacks and keep my mouth busy... I know this is not a good habit to get into, but it is not a daily  thing, so I will not worry about it; I am exercising so I am not going to be even concerned about the calories or whatever.  I am going to stay focused on the healing of my lungs and the fact that cigarettes give me anxiety really badly.

Alright!  That was so much fun!  I brought my Twinkies and Nutty Buddy Bars and Chips and had no problem at all.  Brought enough for my friends to enjoy them with me ;) of course!  Grey's was good; glad Yeng is back!  We laughed and just had a great time, which I was so glad because I think Robi really needed some laugh cause her day was rough... but better by the time she left!!!  I did not smoke and nor did I really want to... when we left, Robi had her lighter and my auto-reaction was to jump and cover my eyes like I didn't want to see it, but I think only because I thought I would be more tempted than I was, which I wasn't at all.  Knee jerk reaction, but no harm at all of slipping!  Thank you Father!  

Oh Wednesday....

So, I still have not smoked and it is day three... still no problem... thank you Lord!!!!! I am still oversensitive and quickly agitated but other than that! LOL... I do feel better and  I ran a mile and a half yesterday, too... Got to go in tonight and run as well, now that I have my IPOD racked with awesome tunes in which to move it!  I didn't take my birth control Monday and my period started today.  It has been a beast of pain... However, I have been somewhat productive regardless.  So, yay for me not smoking... yuck to the period business of which I am dealing... and yuck to the mood-swingy oversensitivity I am putting anyone around me through.... I pray that it be gone soon... Can I say, though, that I absolutely feel healthier already?  :) Par for the course, indeed.

It's Just the Kind of Day to Leave Myself Behind---Tuesday Afternoon by Moody Blues

So, I have not smoked since Sunday after lunch!!!! I am feeling very awesome about that fact.  Also, I have only chewed two pieces of gum... praise God!  The desire is not there, and I do not feel pressure to do it even knowing that my husband is doing it right outside the house... yay!  Thank you  Father for your grace and mercy on me, a lowly sinner.

So, I have been eating a lot more fiber lately because I have had some constipation issues that are pretty severe.  Apparently diet is not the only reason for this problem, because I thought I was eating a-a-alr-i-i-ight... maybe I haven't been.  Nonetheless, emotional stress could have caused my digestive tract to act up, which, let's face it, since August and maybe even before, I have been an emotional wreck, till a two weeks ago... thank our gracious Lord... and lack of activity---which I have already also begun to change can affect it...   So I am on the right track I just have to make sure I am eating all the right foods, and staying on track to keep my stress down, and activity up.  Quitting smoking helps though, because I have been being convicted of it for awhile now, and felt condemned every time I did it, like I couldn't be forgiven since I kept doing it, even though I wasn't sure if I believed it was a sin or maybe was just told once that it was a sin.  Who knows.... since I felt bad and wrong doing it though, it was the right thing to do.  And I want to be a grandma someday, so I need to get my "healthy" act together.

Now to fix lunch for me and my wonderful husband!

Okay, now it is 9:53pm and we are about to go to bed.  I am a little emotionally sensitive right now and snappy, but I don't want a cigarette... so that is good.  Dear Father, thank you for being with me and healing me from my addiction; in Jesus name forgive me please for my attitude and snappiness Lord.  I do not want to act like this.  Thank you Lord for my husband's gentle nature that he knows that this too shall pass... Keep us and bless us all, in Jesus name. Amen.

Chew.... Chew... PARK

SO.... I have bought Nicorette gum... now I know that the Lord can get me through this.  With Jason not wanting to quit, and he won't even talk about it because he gets mad and wants to smoke, I am surrounded by temptation... well, Nicorette doesn't have the harmful affects of smoking, and I am a social smoker more than anything other than the few times a day I really have a crazy craving, so since I am like a junky NOT wanting to satisfy my nasty fix, but the other junky in the house keeps bringing "the stuff" around, I will get on methadone, or in this case... NICORETTE, lol... Dear Lord, please forgive me for the time I spent smoking and when I messed up when I spoke to you about quitting and prayed hard.  Please forgive me all my sins Father!  I want health; I want strength; I want energy; I want to be a grandma!

Dear Lord, my merciful Father, thank you for letting me, through Your son, Jesus Christ, be Your child.  Thank you Father :)  I am blessed to be in Your heavenly family!  I have a desire of my heart Lord; please take Jason's desire away from smoking as You did mine.  I DON'T WANT to smoke.  Is it easy not to?  NO.  Am I an addict?  Yes, and I am tempted.  Nonetheless, I want to watch my children grow and be a healthy person!!! I do not want my kids to lose me like I lost my mother and stepfather.  I choose to be cleansed of my nasty habits.... I choose for God to use me as He pleases... I will not give up.

Also, I have been having a lot of anxiety these past couple of days... baaaaaad... Last night I started getting scared and just cried because I was embarrassed, and because Jason has to be around it.  I thought in my mind, "Oh Lord, I don't like this... there is no harm in crying since that is how upset I feel about having the attacks in the first place... It never is easy, but I know You will be here with me even if I do not feel You, I believe"... and very quickly, after crying honestly with Jason... it went right away... so much quicker than usual, praise the Father in heaven in Jesus name!!!

Duck Pasta in Cream Sauce for Dinner

So I sent an email to my in-laws---brothers and parents-in-law alike telling them Happy New Year and may God bless and keep them all.

Praise be to God!!! I have heard from my mother in law for the first time in months... She said in reply---- "to you two as well.  Have a nice weekend".... it is something... It is contact.  Thank you Lord for her reply.  It is a good start.  I am happy, and I am thankful.  God is good, always.

After Eggs, Bacon, and Peanut Butter Banana Oatmeal with Yogurt

So, we had a good time playing games lastnight with my brother and Lela.  They left right after midnight. I think Lela was as tired as I was!  We played Trivial Pursuit which was a lot of fun actually, and Jason got a bit tipsy which was cute... a good way to start the year... laughing.  I had one beer, and like I said, I laughed the whole time they were here.  Before Jason and I went to bed, I asked if we could quit smoking now that it was the new year.  He said yes.  I am not sure what is going to happen today though, because he woke up and almost went right outside.  I said, "you goin outside?" and he said he was thinking about it.  I really want to quit... I want to have more kids and be a grandma and smoking isn't healthy.  I want to feel energized and good.  Smoking hurts that too.  However, I don't like having my husband smoking as we live together, naturally, and I am addicted enough to still be tempted by those things!  In fact, I don't know if it is real or the addiction, but I like smoking. I don't like the way I feel afterward, but I still always want to do it... Ah!

Nevertheless, I know that God made me to be a non-smoker and I was the first half of my life, so I know I can do this.  I know that I cannot do it alone, but I do not have to... I am not perfect, but I am not alone.  “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” – John 14:18  ---The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17


So, I pray:  Father in heaven, 
I do not know if smoking is a sin, but I fear that it is, because it hurts my body and Your spirit dwells in this body.  I pray that You take the desire away, and make me clean and healthy.  I thank You Father for my husband and his health, a warm home to sleep and keep me busy, and Your blessings.  I thank You for being with me though I do not feel you, I believe you are there.  I praise You!  Dear Lord, forgive me all my sins, black as they may be, and let me be a joy in Your sight.  I pray Your Spirit dwell within me and bring me comfort. In Jesus Name Amen. 




So later this day... it is not Jason's fault that I smoked.  I smoked a handful of cigarettes today.  Jason smoked first, and in my head I justified it as an excuse to smoke myself.  Though, I know that I was just looking for an excuse.  This is ridiculous.  I will not lose heart.  My God is mighty to save.