A Lesson in Peace through Impatience Among Other Random Thoughts

Saturday... the day before Easter.  The day before our Lord was resurrected.   I want so much for this to fill me... we went to church the last two evenings going through the parts of the death and tonight and tomorrow to go through unto the resurrection.   I like going to church more often; it fills me with peace and I just feel as though I am where I need to be, but not necessarily the church I attend, just around God's Word.  The more I go to the church I attend though I do feel as though I should find a different one.  I just don't seem to fit there it seems.  Like a circle trying to fit into a square hole.  I don't know.

I am still not pregnant, but I believe that it will happen.  Of course, our best laid plans are not the ones that stand.... God's do.  So I pray that it be His will for me to conceive again.

I want a fire to move within me... to be more motivated.  I have had a big problem with anxiety lately and seem to drown in it instead of have dominion over it as the Word says.  Maybe that is the problem.  I do not do "peace" very well. I always want passionate movement... fiery existence and if I am not moving or having much excitement or romance my mind thinks something is wrong.  Maybe the Lord is trying to show me otherwise.  I am like a child, but have a problem with the childlike faith part.  I have a curiosity toward life and long for the next adventure, but don't know how to sit still.... and have gone through enough sorrow and trauma for my faith to be a little traumatized.  I pray for more faith as I know my Lord provides.

So today I am thankful for what is.  I am thankful for everything I do not have.  I am thankful for everything that I have to do even if I don't consider it exciting.  I am thankful for what the Lord, my Savior, is doing inside of me.  I pray for me to adjust my desire to His will...  I pray over my emotions that they conform to what is pleasing to my King.  Thank you Father for your Son... Thank you Lord for choosing to be a sacrifice for our sins.... Thank you so that we may repent and rest with you forever.

Blessed Mensa

So I am not pregnant.Not yet.  I started my period on the tenth.  I have mixed feelings. I am glad because it means that my body is working properly.  Thank God.  Since I wasn't ovulating after Parker passed...

However, it does sadly mean that I am not with child yet.  I am going to choose to believe that God has a perfect seed to plant in me and for that seed to be the one for me, it must be the perfect timing to grow to be... my baby.

Stuffed Blizzard

So yesterday at four a.m. Jason and I woke up to get him ready for work.  It had snowed, was still snowing, but Jason didn't know if he was going to be able to stay home or not.  Barry lives about the same distance from work and on the same side of town so we figured we would wait and see if he could make it.  So I made Jason a spinach and cherry tomato omelet on toast with a little mayo.  He ended up not having to go to work. YAY!  So we napped and watched a movie... napped again.  Made good food.... Everything was great except my nose was all stuffed up!

So, here we are on a God-made vacation, having a good time, we've just decided to try to conceive, and I have a very unsexy stuffy nose!  It was so bad yesterday... completely stuffed (both nostrils) and still having drainage down the back of my throat!  Needless to say, romance is going to have to wait until tonight...  lastnight, I just couldn't entice anybody with my nose so stuffy, my speech just sounded goofy!  And My eyes were red from sneezing and watery!  Ha ha ha ha....

By the way, we got three feet of snow!

...And Then He asked Me

Today is Monday the 31st.  What an exciting day... it is... and it is the fourth day in a row I have felt this almost overwhelming... excitement....peace... encouragement... hope... inside of me.

After Parker passed away, I stopped having my period for months... three months, and too afraid to be devastated if I were wrong, I prayed throughout that time I was pregnant and believed.  I was, proclaimed by the display of a couple tests.... not pregnant at all.  I was diagnosed without any testing by Dr Barrette with PCOS, which I understand why... no ovulation for three months and my uterine lining was starting to grow outside of my cervix due to no period, thus, no shedding.  He started me on Progesterone and then birth control right away.  I did not know there was any other way.  Nothing else was discussed for now.  He said that when I was ready to get pregnant next year was when he would do the PCOS laproscopy testing that costs thousands of dollars and has the potential to release eggs into forced ovulation and get pregnant then.  All that sounded scary to me, but apparently I had no choice.

Here it is over three months after the fact.  If it were up to me, I would have been pregnant right away after our baby passed.  I know that many people think that it may be to replace what was.... it is not.  It is unbearable for a Mother to not mother... it is unfathomable even though I live it, to live life as if I never were a mommy to the sweetest baby.... as if I never held my son.... I can't go back to working in Tulsa where I was, drinking often, smoking, living with nothing to show for it... empty... my life has become so much more than it was before him... but I didn't know what to do now that THAT is no longer acceptable to me but my dreams WERE that little boy, being his mother, raising him with my beautiful husband... it was the greatest gift, being a mother... but Jason wasn't ready again. Jason would wait years for our next... I feel as though THAT is what I am meant to do now... that is my dream now...

This last Thursday, I went to get a second opinion on the PCOS with blood tests from Dr Steelmon... I have heard many things about her and felt great the first time I entered her office.  I waited on the day of my appointment two and a half hours for her, and Jason ended up getting off early!  So, he came for me. I was glad because I was so nervous.  I didn't want to be on birth control and needed to hear what to do. She said that the tests did not show any suspiciousness in my blood.  She could not rule out PCOS but no signs were in my blood work. She believed that I would not have another sick baby and said to get on 4000 mcg of folic acid just to prevent birth defects in my next baby and start taking a prenatal vitamin.  She said that if I were not pregnant in a month or have ovulation then she would put me on hormones instead of waiting months.... and I just felt good... positive.

When we were leaving, my husband told me while smiling that he was ready.  He wants to have a baby. He is ready to try now.  Now it is day four since then, and I am still so happy.  Everything is right now.  We are married...  we pray... I want the Lord to bless us and let us be fruitful and the glory be to His name forever.  In Jesus name I ask for the conception of our second child, that he/she be a healthy life.  Amen.

Thank you Lord that you have blessed me with such a wonderful husband and he is a good father.  Be with me Lord. I will keep my mind on You.  Bless my womb Lord. Thank You for the adventure this will be! To God be the glory!

Sunday Afternoon

So, I am happy to say that my grandma DID surprise me and get home the day she said she would.  She surprised me with a phone call that evening after arriving home.

Jason has been off since Thursday... not sure why he took vacation really, but I guess he just needed extra time to relax.  Hope he feels as though he has done that.

I am sipping coffee and looking through images of blue living rooms to solve the battle of decor in mine.  It seems various shades of blue, white, grays, and blacks win out with pops of bright color.  Brown goes.  Okay.

I am without any thoughts on anything today... went to bed last night feeling agitation running through my blood as I like to put it.  When I can't tell where it came from (the cause) and my mind is looking through things that could justify the anger when there is none presently taking place... it starts taking inventory-if you will, of the memories of any recent hurt in my head... my mother-in-law comes in a lot.  However, I have to remind myself of forgiveness and that I am just upset.  There is no reason today.  The only thing causing it is alot of hurt in the past, so I am used to being resentful, of myself and others, feeling guilt, anger, hurt... but today I only have the feelings... there is no cause.  Thank the Lord, today is just a choice to no longer feel those past wounds... and everything is fine.

So I went  to bed like that last night.

Thank you Father, this day has none of that.

Housework and More Housework

So today was an at-home, do nothing-but-the-house type of day.  I have gotten almost all of the laundry done, thank goodness.  I have cleaned and reorganized the kitchen, and cooked Jason and nutritious dinner of roasted duck, mashed potatoes, and fresh vegetables sauteed (green beans, cabbage, spinach, and mushrooms).  Very delicious.

My grandma sounds good.  Not sure if she is really doing well, but I believe in God as our creator and healer among so many other things so I will believe in what I do not see.  She is in good spirits, thinking she will be home this evening but I am sure it will be tomorrow at the earliest.

Zumba was wonderful.  It was medium intensity cardio dance moves.  I am not the most coordinated with learning moves but most of it was do-able... only one or two moves had me so confused and overwhelmed I had to stop and regroup.  I left hot, my muscles burning, and ready for bed.  Apparently so since I slept twelve hours!!!!  Being sore from volleyball the evening before must have helped with needing to recuperate from all the activity, because crossing my arms over my chest to pull my shirt overhead before taking a shower sure reminded me how much volleyball works your arms out.  I feel pretty good today, not feeling too sore as I complete my chores.  Well, more things to do.

Oh Zumba, You're Like My Nighty Night Tea

.... where volley ball, which was awesome, kept me up for hours on a high of energy, Zumba wore me out to the point where when I got home I just fell on the couch.... and I love it.  Love them both, actually.  I am so happy to have them both in my life now.  They both kick my butt into shape in two totally different ways.  Whew... I am going to bed after that.  I am exhausted.  Will have to write later about anything else.