Vegan

So, since I quit smoking, I have been really wanting to physically be healthier.  I have eaten the same way for most of my life.  I never had a huge problem with my weight though, until I had children.  Specifically my first child.  Since his birth, I have struggled.  Starving myself is not an option just to eat the types of food I want... I would rather never eat that food and eat as much as I would like, because let's face it, I am overweight, and I can't starve myself just to eat what I like, because, well, lol, then I would be hungry!  Ha!  So my diet is from the Eat to Live book and lifestyle plan:

Necessities:

• 2 rounded tsp of nutritional yeast per day
• must east at least one cup of beans, legume, bean sprouts, or tofu a day
• fruit for breakfast, must eat a salad first before all lunches and dinner, and must eat a fruit after lunches and dinners
• Only 1 TBS flax per day

Limitations:

• Only 1 cup of starchy veg or whole grain product a day
• Only 1 oz of raw nuts or seeds per day
• Only 1 cup unswt soy milk per day

Unlimited:

• leafy and dark greens (strive to eat lb of each per day)
• fruit (must have 4 at least fresh a day; frozen is acceptable)
• beans, legume, bean sprouts, and tofu 
• eggplant, tomato, mushrooms, peppers, and all other non-starchy vegetables including zucchini

I am starting out at 155 lb... I have to eat this way for 6 weeks.  I am excited because the kickstart of this is aggressive weight loss and I can't wait to feel better.  I ate all day long and got plenty of all my needs for the day, including fat, protein, carbs, fiber (obviously lol)...  I really want some fat.  I am craving butter, pasta and cream sauce, cheese, but I trust this will go away... and nutritional yeast does taste kind of cheesy.  That helps!  

Vegan Mushroom Gravy from fatfreevegan.com

Vegan Mushroom Gravy

My mushroom gravy is always an ad lib affair; I don’t think I ever make it the same way twice. Here’s the basic recipe, but the amounts of herbs should be adjusted as necessary–more for blander foods and less for highly seasoned dishes.

Ingredients

• 1/2 large onion, minced
• 10 regular-sized or 6 large mushrooms, sliced or chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 cups vegetable broth
• 1/2 – 1 teaspoon dried thyme
• 1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, crushed (optional)
• 1/4 -1/2 teaspoon rubbed sage
• 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
• 1 teaspoon sherry (optional)
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce or gluten-free tamari
• 2 tablespoons unbleached flour (substitute with arrowroot for gluten-free)
• 1/4 cup plain non-dairy milk
• salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Instructions

1. In a medium-sized non-stick saucepan, saute the onion until beginning to brown, about 5-10 minutes (adding a pinch of baking soda speeds things up). Add the mushrooms and 1 tablespoon of water, and cook for another 3 minutes. Add the garlic, and cook, stirring, for another minute.
2. Add the vegetable broth, herbs, nutritional yeast, sherry, and soy sauce. In a bowl, whisk or blend (with a hand blender) the “milk” and flour together until smooth. Add it to the saucepan and stir well. Simmer, stirring occasionally, for 15 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste and serve.

Variations

You can make this gravy more palatable to mushroom-haters by blending it until smooth. For a smoother gravy with some pieces of mushroom, blend only half the gravy.

For a bacony-flavored gravy, add a few drops of Liquid Smoke with the salt and pepper. (Bacony gravy is excellent over biscuits!)

Preparation time: 5 minute(s) | Cooking time: 25 minute(s)

Savory Lentil-Mushroom Burgers from fatfreevegan.com

This recipe is from fatfreevegan.com.  She is a genius.

Savory Lentil-Mushroom Burgers

These burgers come together quickly if you have cooked lentils on-hand. I cooked 1 1/2 cups of lentils with a little dried thyme and black pepper in 3 cups water for about 30 minutes and had enough lentils for this recipe and about a cup leftover.

Ingredients

• 2 teaspoons chia seeds
• 3 tablespoons warm water
• 1 medium onion
• 6 ounces mushrooms, washed
• 3 cloves garlic
• 2 cups cooked lentils (green or brown), well drained
• 1/3 cup old fashioned oats (certified gluten-free, if necessary)
• 2 tablespoons potato starch or cornstarch (see note below)
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce or wheat-free tamari (omit for soy-free)
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon dried basil
• 1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon salt (optional or to taste)
• 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
• Generous grating black pepper

Instructions

1. Mix the chia seeds and warm water in a small bowl and set aside. Chop the onion finely. Place the mushrooms into the food processor and pulse until they are finely minced. Mince the garlic.
2. Heat a non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions and cook until they begin to brown, adding a splash of water if they begin to stick. Stir in the mushrooms and garlic and another splash of water. Cover and cook until the mushrooms soften (about 2-3 minutes), stirring often.
3. When the mushrooms have softened, transfer them to the food processor and add the lentils. Pulse until the lentils are just combined with the mushrooms. Add the chia seed mixture and all remaining ingredients and pulse to combine well. It’s okay if a few lentils remain whole, but the mixture should be more sticky than crumbly. If it seems too wet, add a little more oats.
4. Scrape the mixture into a bowl and set aside for about 15 minutes. Preheat the oven to 375F and line a baking sheet with a silicone mat or with parchment paper.
5. Shape the burger mixture into 6 patties, each about 3 inches wide and 3/4 inch thick. Place them on the prepared pan and bake for about 30 minutes. Since ovens can vary, check them after 25 minutes to make sure they are firm in the middle but not burning and give extra time if necessary.
6. Use a spatula to remove the burgers from the baking sheet. Serve at once or refrigerate for later use.

Notes

You can omit the starch, but the burgers may not hold together quite as well.

Preparation time: 20 minute(s) | Cooking time: 40 minute(s)

Number of servings (yield): 6

Nutrition (per serving, with salt): 130 calories, 8 calories from fat, <1g total fat, 0mg cholesterol, 320.2mg sodium, 431mg potassium, 23.5g carbohydrates, 7g fiber, 3g sugar, 8.2g protein, 3.8 points.

Saturday Afternoon.... Alone?!?!

Yea, I don't even know what happened.  I took a nap and woke up to Jason giving me two choices: "either you can stay home and have an afternoon to yourself or you can come to Tulsa with us"...

What?!

It honestly was a hard decision.  Being away from my son just feels wrong.  No matter the circumstances.  We are RARELY ever separated.

However, I have been really neeeeeeding some uninterrupted art time.  Since that time is basically unheard of, now that it is offered... it was a no-brainer.  Even if it felt like I was missing out on family time.

So, they just left... I lovingly  dressed and kissed and banana-fed my son before hitting the road with his fellow adventurer, Dad and.... here I am.  Walked back into a house, still, so still.  I sit on the length of my couch, looking around at mess and light and it seems lacking, as if there should be noise and bodies completing the scene... odd for it to be so quiet here.  Abandoned toys frozen in silence... the only life in the house seems to be coming from the clock up and to my left.

Chk, Chk, Chk, as if on repeat... as if it is stuttering over and over, unable to free itself from it's boring schpeel, this clock.

In spite of the awkwardness of this house kind of sleeping, resting till the next takeover, it is nice to sit here for a moment.  No one needing me.  Just for a moment.  Thoughts, not letting me forget my task, keep reminding me, I must take advantage of this precious time... I feel like a child on Christmas... excited and in awe of the wonder of the season, but afraid that all too soon it will be gone, and instead of the anticipation of what may happen, I will be left with what didn't happen or that either way, even if it happened nicely, it is still gone again... just the reality that those moments passed by and they always give way to the hustle and bustle of the every day... no one treats the every day as special or to be seized... as if they allow themselves that excuse of Christmas to feel magical and whimsy, and then the season passes and you must push push push, back to business, strapped to the mundane, if you will... So for now, like one of these blocks, books, or toys, I am still, purposefully freezing myself... taking in the refreshment of anticipation and the unkown... busy makes time fly... and this time is so rare.  Once a year, kind of.... like Christmas for a child...

Deep breath in....

(Sigh) Okay, on to the art room to fill every second left available with creativity and energized focus... to do anything I can fit in this time that I have trouble finding time for when the boys are home.  I can feel myself on the inside getting in move-mode... already separating myself from the scene of stillness... the slow and steady ticking of the clock, reminding me that though time is really this methodically slow sounding.... once I move, the noise will fade from my ears and it will seem to whiz, without a sound, on by... but if I can have that full sense of accomplishment at the end of this small fraction of alone time, then I won't feel like I lost any of it.

So here I go.  

Family Evening

You know we don't have many evenings where all of us get to just be together as a family doing what everyone does.  This evening was such a blessing.  We went to the store together and everything!

I finally deleted my Facebook last night.  I am bothered that a person can't really delete it.  I wish it were that easy, but they keep the information so if one is ever bored, he/she remembers, "all I have to do is reactivate"... and then wait the 24 reactivation period. LOL.  I would like to not do that.  I don't want to be on Facebook when I am bored.  In fact, not ever again.  I do love to see what my loved ones are up to and pictures of their families, but I have too much life to live to be watching others post about theirs on the internet off and on all day long.  Time just rains down... sometimes it's hard and sometimes soft, but eventually it will stop; I want to enjoy being on Earth as much as I can until you take me home. My husband works so much, has too many projects, and busies himself too often, so I take care of our baby pretty much by myself most days, and that means time is scarce for myself, and I am believing for energy all day long... So, I am going back to the basics...

Also, thank You that my husband killed a dear last weekend!  This is beyond exciting for me.  It is his first kill, skin, butcher, process, and skull mount.  He is so happy that you have enabled him to put food on our table like men since You began time, and I didn't even think I liked venison until I ate if fresh, but I do!  In fact, I love it!  Thank You Father for blessing my taste buds to enjoy the bounty!!! I thought you had to have a variety of all types of food, but Jason says you don't need variety in protein if it is healthy, so I think we won't buy any other protein for the most part.... just chicken every once in a while.  Really, we don't have much variety in protein anyway... we eat chicken and beef.... the occasional seafood which comes from a can or lunch meat... fresh deer is way better!!!  We will still be eating a variety of vegetables of course ;)  Evan ate his first deer as well... he, like his parents, is a total fan!  I had doubts about him eating wild game as he is a week away from a year old, but then it dawned on me... people have been feeding babies for a looooong time... and I believe the deer is healthier than anything bought from the store.  So, I have faith that You will bless the food to the nourishment of his body, and I have faith that I made the best choice I could make with the knowledge I had and the accountability of his mom and believing You are making all things work for good...  I am sure it, like cooked mushrooms, is a controversy.... which I will give him cooked mushrooms anytime as well!  There is not much he does not eat.... only nuts and honey... that is it.

Lastly, I am waiting for Monday... I have a progesterone test on Monday.... I believe my daughter is on her way... I am not going to type much else as I am not even speaking anything else... not to myself or anyone.  In just those words, even to You... I am faithful...  My daughter is on her way.  Thank You Lord that Jason's quiver is full for your glory.

Good night Father.

Here We Go Again

Why do fertility again?

     A: Because I know that I have an illness affecting my ovaries.  I believe the effects from the PCOS COULD be the reason for what happened to Parker.  Fertility does not guarantee a healthy baby.  Though I pray God not let us endure another heartache again, I am reassured that I have done all that I could by going through the rigamarole-to make sure the egg getting ready for fertilization is in great shape, producing enough estradial, etc are viable and my body is optimal condition for fertilization...   Fertility gives me peace.  God will give me the baby we are supposed to have.  I am taking my illness out of the equation.  So I won't blame myself.  Because I have done all I can do.

I don't know if I will get pregnant on this cycle or not.  I am hopeful.... for a girl?  That would be great!  It is a tedious process when cycles come and go and your eggs don't grow enough so you have to cancel this round, etc.  BUT  I just believe it is happening quickly.  I believe excitement is on my horizon!  I remember, and I am ready.  Thank you Lord for our baby... healthy loving baby!  In Jesus name we pray for this joy... Amen.

My appointment is Wednesday.

Am I Obligated to be Around Family/People Who Only Cause Me Pain?

 I have been going through some very heavy things in my mind lately.   Things that, when thought about at all, become the dwelled upon, contemplation of whether or not to confront my past in the present.  Herein lies the issue.  This is what I ALWAYS deal with when having anything happen to me.  I never want people to be upset with me and don't like for any of my relationships to be tarnished... at the same time, I also desire resolve and for someone who has wounded me to say they are sorry.  I think of how simple things were taught to us by our elders when we were all just babes.  Teaching us that if we hurt someone even if we didn't mean to we say sorry.  We should be honest when we are hurt by our friend and they should in turn, care.  However, in my history, I have seen very little of the simple "You hurt me and [this is why]" responded with "I am sorry" ... Even if the person felt they did no wrong, if someone we love is hurting the response should still be a compassionate one.  For example, "I am so sorry you are hurt". Instead, I usually see a prideful response. I usually see a defensive or could-care-less attitude and even the more-common-than-it-should-be complete abandonment of relationship due to the honesty in coming to another to seek repair. It is almost as if these elders that taught the ducklings to behave in love have a sense of entitlement that they themselves are beyond decency and humility due to age or who they are in the family or social environment.  Nonetheless, relativity and compassion and connection are why we are all here on Earth together so if we act as though others have to care about our feelings but we show no concern for another's then we are essentially cutting ourselves off from those we want in our lives and if we don't care to really be honest, kind, and try to connect with those we say we love, can't we just let each other go and move on and stop being in each other's lives so I can have more peace?!!?!... We all need the closeness of another.  Some need a village ;) What is ironic, the moment we are too scared or embarrassed to listen and repent when we have done another harm emotionally or physically, act in pride, defense, or any other condemning manner we become bitter, bit by bit.  The first time we are unable to take accountability we teach ourselves to do it again and the more we do it the more we think it is acceptable to hurt others with no consequence.  The selfishness of preserving our own feelings at the expense of another's or saving face because others may know we messed up and "what if they think worse of me because I messed up?"  Horrified to have others think ill of us or to be deemed less, we actually close ourselves off and become hardened... love is an action... it is strong but is also timid and humble.  If you take the soft love out and only know tough love you are not experiencing love in the form for which it was intended and you slowly become engulfed by the walls built to protect your ego... thorns that keep your love from coming through more and more.  You see, if I can't tell you what is wrong, and can only say what is approved or acceptable in another's eyes, the relationship is onesided.... other sided.  Fake.  Fearful even... eggshell walking happens... always having to think before you speak to the point where you can't even be yourself for fear of relaxing so much that you might offend that person again by saying something they deem not okay.  Having so many people in my life that are unaccountable and hardened has brought me to a point of who do I stop being around?  Do I continue to be fake in certain situations to keep the peace... Is there really peace when you are around another person that only has a good time if you agree with everything or allow them to do as they want... even when just being yourself or speaking about things honestly causes that person to hate you?  What happened to our child-like mind of simplicity in relationships... What happened to loving each other and being free to disagree, free to live your life, enjoy your hobbies, relax.... and not run over other people in the process?  What happened to caring how you made another feel?