Grandma read the instructions (which were typed small enough that even I needed my glasses) and I put the vile in the pin, sterilized my stomach area to the right two inches of my belly button, and the body of the pin which had a plunger tip I inserted into the open end of the vile which was within the head of the pin... and screwed the pieces together... and I sterilized the tip... then screwed the needle onto the tip. I had the injection pin in my right hand, the dose dialed to 50 i/u aiming it an inch from my skin... and with my right hand, I had a good pinch of the fatty part of my belly ready for injection. I tried to goad myself into doing it while Gram Gram sat above me in her recliner, "Can hou do it, Kindy?"
"I will try" "I think I can" "Nope. You do it this first time".... and she did. Although, it is probably easier to stab another than yourself, lol.
Easy as pie and didn't even feel a pinch like when they draw blood and DEFINITELY not the bee sting you feel in a normal shot.
I felt a little weird after, but no real side effects, so I figured I could go to work... I didn't get emotional or anything... apparently this hormone doesn't really do that to you.... WHEW! My boss and everyone else is lucky... and I won't have to apologize for any crazy crying fits or mountains made of molehills later when sanity returns... nope, this will be a cake walk!
Work was.... work. I am pretty sure my boss either doesn't care for me, but at the least he is definitely unappreciative of what I do. It doesn't affect the way I do my job, but it does make me want to leave when he is around.
Over the years, I see we all really change for better or worse, in small ways, daily, and noticeable ways over longer periods of time, becoming more hardened or free. Maybe I can give my kids or even myself, encouragement in trusting that whatever good or bad we face, God will be the King of our daily morph... He can use it all to His glory...
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
FEBRUARY 12, 2012---The Phlebotomist Always Says You'll Feel A Pinch Before They Stick You....
BUT when you are sticking yourself, you just have to do it. Or at least with me, you just have your grandma do it.
Today is Sunday, and tomorrow I have to start follistim injections--- one a day, in the morning for five days... it is a "Follistim" pin, in which you put a vile of Follicle Stimulating Hormone and dial it to your proper dosage, sterile your "area", pinch your stomach with one hand, and inject the pin needle with the other.... push the button till it dials down to zero to let you know you have received a full dosage, and hold it in for five more seconds... then pull out. I know I can do this, BUUUUUUUUT maybe not the first time. Afraid I will jump and drop the pin while it is in me and mess it all up. CALL GRANDMA! She gave my cousin insulin injections, and sure enough! She said she would, so tomorrow I go over there and she will stab me with a sharp object, with pleasure, lol. This will help my follicles grow...
Many women really don't know much about what a cycle is really like from the "inside-out" so I will tell you now that I have had the opportunity and under necessity, become so informed----your follicles have to grow to 18-20 mm at least to pop and release an egg... ovulation! Your cycle is like this for example--- Day 1 is the first day of your period.... the last day of your cycle is the day before your next period.. so if your cycle is 28 days long, you will probably ovulate around the 14th... how does it work? On day one you start your period, and after a certain amount of days, stimulated by gradually increasing amounts of estrogen, the blood slows to a stop and the lining of the uterus thickens. Follicles in the ovary begin developing under the influence of complex interplay of hormones, and after several days one or occasionally two become dominant and grows the most while the others chill out... once it or they (yikes, twin potential!!!) reach 18 to 20 mm, approximately around the middle of your cycle (my cycle was getting to be 40-some days long, so around day 20 or so), your body surges the Luteinizing hormone and the follicle BuRsTS, releases an egg(s) in what is called ovulation. This egg will live for only up to 24 hours without fertilization, while the remains of the follicle (which actually the remnants of the popped cyst or follicle turns into a corpus luteum; this little entity is going to release large amts of progesterone) Progesterone... this causes change in the lining of the uterus to prepare for implantation to establish "pregnancy" (which once an egg is fertilized within 24 hours of ovulation, it can take up to two weeks to implant and the whole time your lining is getting ready for it with the huge amts of Progesterone being released by the corpus luteum aka, follicle the egg dropped out of, lol ... the egg is producing estradial or E2 or estrogen).... if implantation does not occur within those two weeks, Progesterone and Estrogen levels plummet and this causes the shedding of the uterine lining which is usually all that is your period... and the egg was so small it could only be seen under a microscope and like your body absorbs cells from an infection, most of the time you don't "waste" your egg in the mensa, your abdominal cavity absorbs it! And since it was sooooo microscopic, it didn't have to work hard at all to do it. Voila! Cycle explained. You are welcome.
ANYWAY... on all my other documented cycles (as you read earlier, remember, your follies (follicles) have to grow to 18-20mm to pop=ovulate) I only was known to even have ONE folly grow to 15! 15? Man, I wasn't responding at all to this Clomiphene (Clomid)... bummer.
This is why they switched me to Femara.... they don't use it first because it can cause over stimulation of the ovaries.... they weren't afraid of that with me because even my dominant folly(ies) weren't growing to ovulation potential : ( After you take Femara for 5 days just like Clomid, you then have to do injections to stimulate your ovaries as well to grow follies to ovulation-able size. I start that tomorrow... I just believe this is it.
I was so heartbroken last month when I did my round of Clomid and come day 19, they weren't getting to proper size and they decided I had not responded to the med and canceled my cycle altogether.... but thanks be to my Father who IS in Heaven, I always gain renewed hope. So here I am again... after six months of seeing a Fertility specialist, excited and faithful that THIS is my month. I know it sounds weird, after so many months (over a year of trying for a baby and only one miscarriage) but I really do believe this is the month. Of course I say that every month. I am nothing if not determined HA ha! It is a strength in this case, because you have to keep your head up and find the faith to believe it will be. God said to be fruitful and multiply. I believe He also meant me. So I will continue, and when He allows it... (this month!!!!!) I will conceive my heart's desire. We already have our names.... boy and girl names. Not telling yet ;)
Enough for today. Going to Grandma's in the morning early!
Keep you "in the know"- Kindra
Today is Sunday, and tomorrow I have to start follistim injections--- one a day, in the morning for five days... it is a "Follistim" pin, in which you put a vile of Follicle Stimulating Hormone and dial it to your proper dosage, sterile your "area", pinch your stomach with one hand, and inject the pin needle with the other.... push the button till it dials down to zero to let you know you have received a full dosage, and hold it in for five more seconds... then pull out. I know I can do this, BUUUUUUUUT maybe not the first time. Afraid I will jump and drop the pin while it is in me and mess it all up. CALL GRANDMA! She gave my cousin insulin injections, and sure enough! She said she would, so tomorrow I go over there and she will stab me with a sharp object, with pleasure, lol. This will help my follicles grow...
Many women really don't know much about what a cycle is really like from the "inside-out" so I will tell you now that I have had the opportunity and under necessity, become so informed----your follicles have to grow to 18-20 mm at least to pop and release an egg... ovulation! Your cycle is like this for example--- Day 1 is the first day of your period.... the last day of your cycle is the day before your next period.. so if your cycle is 28 days long, you will probably ovulate around the 14th... how does it work? On day one you start your period, and after a certain amount of days, stimulated by gradually increasing amounts of estrogen, the blood slows to a stop and the lining of the uterus thickens. Follicles in the ovary begin developing under the influence of complex interplay of hormones, and after several days one or occasionally two become dominant and grows the most while the others chill out... once it or they (yikes, twin potential!!!) reach 18 to 20 mm, approximately around the middle of your cycle (my cycle was getting to be 40-some days long, so around day 20 or so), your body surges the Luteinizing hormone and the follicle BuRsTS, releases an egg(s) in what is called ovulation. This egg will live for only up to 24 hours without fertilization, while the remains of the follicle (which actually the remnants of the popped cyst or follicle turns into a corpus luteum; this little entity is going to release large amts of progesterone) Progesterone... this causes change in the lining of the uterus to prepare for implantation to establish "pregnancy" (which once an egg is fertilized within 24 hours of ovulation, it can take up to two weeks to implant and the whole time your lining is getting ready for it with the huge amts of Progesterone being released by the corpus luteum aka, follicle the egg dropped out of, lol ... the egg is producing estradial or E2 or estrogen).... if implantation does not occur within those two weeks, Progesterone and Estrogen levels plummet and this causes the shedding of the uterine lining which is usually all that is your period... and the egg was so small it could only be seen under a microscope and like your body absorbs cells from an infection, most of the time you don't "waste" your egg in the mensa, your abdominal cavity absorbs it! And since it was sooooo microscopic, it didn't have to work hard at all to do it. Voila! Cycle explained. You are welcome.
ANYWAY... on all my other documented cycles (as you read earlier, remember, your follies (follicles) have to grow to 18-20mm to pop=ovulate) I only was known to even have ONE folly grow to 15! 15? Man, I wasn't responding at all to this Clomiphene (Clomid)... bummer.
This is why they switched me to Femara.... they don't use it first because it can cause over stimulation of the ovaries.... they weren't afraid of that with me because even my dominant folly(ies) weren't growing to ovulation potential : ( After you take Femara for 5 days just like Clomid, you then have to do injections to stimulate your ovaries as well to grow follies to ovulation-able size. I start that tomorrow... I just believe this is it.
I was so heartbroken last month when I did my round of Clomid and come day 19, they weren't getting to proper size and they decided I had not responded to the med and canceled my cycle altogether.... but thanks be to my Father who IS in Heaven, I always gain renewed hope. So here I am again... after six months of seeing a Fertility specialist, excited and faithful that THIS is my month. I know it sounds weird, after so many months (over a year of trying for a baby and only one miscarriage) but I really do believe this is the month. Of course I say that every month. I am nothing if not determined HA ha! It is a strength in this case, because you have to keep your head up and find the faith to believe it will be. God said to be fruitful and multiply. I believe He also meant me. So I will continue, and when He allows it... (this month!!!!!) I will conceive my heart's desire. We already have our names.... boy and girl names. Not telling yet ;)
Enough for today. Going to Grandma's in the morning early!
Keep you "in the know"- Kindra
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Feb 11th, 2012
Day 4 on Femara. Going so well! Jas went to school this morning. He started Bupropion today as well for smoking cessation. Yay! Whatever works I say! I am just so thankful that he is being pro-active. So I have been cleaning my office and cleaning off a shelf that matches my desk from the other office to move into my room. I can't wait to be ready to sew and paint again. I am wearing my favorite Love Loud shirt given to me by my dear friend Junie, and listening to my Grand Piano c.d. I love music filling my home. I am always brought spiritually into a place more open to calm and more ready to keep any drama or stress away. It reminds me that "greater is He that is in me" when I calm my spirit even when doing the most mundane chores. Oh music. The Lord has made our spirit respond to so many forms of worship!
We start trying a new church tomorrow, First United Methodist Church in Claremore. I am so excited! Back to my housework.
When I am done, I will ready food so I won't be snacking anymore. I fall off my health wagon when I don't have healthy food ready BEFORE I am hungry, but then again, don't most of us?
We start trying a new church tomorrow, First United Methodist Church in Claremore. I am so excited! Back to my housework.
When I am done, I will ready food so I won't be snacking anymore. I fall off my health wagon when I don't have healthy food ready BEFORE I am hungry, but then again, don't most of us?
Friday, February 10, 2012
February 10th, 2012
Day 3!!! I woke up at about 9. I brought Jas lunch on the way to work. I have only two days left on Femara and then on to injections for 5 days starting on Monday! I am excited!!!! Can't wait to hold my baby!!!!!
Feb 9
Yesterday on Femara I only had some hot flashes.... heat from the inside out.... CraAZy weird and uncomfortable. AND a weird headache I wish to never have again... good news... they last a short time and the rest of my day was normal. Today was fine too. Day 2. Although my boss doesn't seem to respect nor care for me. Which is fine, because the more he acts like that, the more mutual feelings I attain. I pray that God lead me where I need to be. Whatever He says I will do. I am on hormones though, and after my 5 days taking Femara I will shoot pin injections of Follistim in my stomach for 5 days, so he may want to calm down on not being appreciative or cold. I can't guarantee I won't have to pray for forgiveness for opening my hormone shot up mouth when I already wanted to speak up before I was on them. OH and I hate being called the "scanner girl".
February 8th
Today, Feb 8th, Wednesday, I start Femara. It was originally only used for breast cancer. Women started getting pregnant on it, so they started using it as a fertility medication. I have been on Clomid and not responded.
I am so anxious to hold our next baby. I have dreeeeaaaams of our boys... they are always more boys ha!
PCOS is such a pain. I fear a diagnosis down the road that would make this journey of potential pregnancy just a dream, so we are embarking and have been for over six months. No success... and before we started the fertility process, we had gotten pregnant after almost six months of trying.... this ended in a miscarriage. Suffice it to say, trying to get pregnant for over a year is defeating. Definitely, it is a struggle to even be romantic, because though we know that we are coming together as husband and wife, we are coming together to bring new life into the world, and every month we are reminded that all our effort was unfruitful to extend our family. It is like college. You go. You pray you will get a degree, but after years, you do get worn down and some drop out. However, when we get that beautiful baby, or ha ha you get that degree.... the road traveled is seen in a different and more positive light... and hindsight is always 20/20... "we should have been more patient" "we should have just had more faith" "we should have relaxed more and just knew that it would happen" "we should have enjoyed the ride more now that we have the baby, I wish we would have made it feel less like a chore and spent more time with each other" but the truth is... right now, I am praying that I will have a baby, but I do not know how this will end. It is easy to say later that we should have enjoyed the ride knowing then that I were to be with child; for now, I no not that future as certain. It is very daunting a fear I fight. I know that what I am reaching for is only so much up to me to achieve. It is up to God first and foremost. It is up to my husband as a dedicated, willing participant to the journey. It is up to my Drs to keep track and plan out my next step. It is up to me to keep focused on good things in life and keep my attitude in check... it is up to me to be gentle with my husband; if I feel defeated, he must and I want this journey to continue, so I welcome him to relax and be himself around me without pressure to always meet my needs; I try and meet his needs.
I try to keep my faith in check, which is horrible, because I haven't read my Bible in forever and when I do I always feel as though I can't just read; I feel the pressure of remembering everything I read, so I study, take notes and try and apply everything, understand everything. I get defeated easily in life as I see things I believe for not come to pass. Millions of examples I could name, but more than all, I wanted my Mom, my StepDad, and my Parker to live, to be healed. God healed them. He knew what I meant though... and He did not let them stay with me. It is a fact, and I understand that He knows what we and they needed and sometimes we ask for things that are not for the best and as a good father, He knows what is best and doesn't always give us what we ask for. Because sometimes we don't understand that what we are asking for would cause pain or harm to another I am sure. Either way, it is hard to pray for things to come when I feel as though He will do as He wills either way and my prayer does nothing it seems.
I am realizing more and more that this is not the goal I should have in mind. It is not what I do; it is about what Christ has already done. I can only know what God wants me to know. I am getting better at knowing that what I need is what I need. I told out pastor that we were going to be looking at different churches over the next couple of months. He did not respond well. He said that they all had invested their hearts into us. The truth is, I need fed. After losing three of the most wonderful people in my life, I know that we are the church.... not some building. I need passionate, fiery faith to keep my heart and head about water when I have come so far to sinking. I need to be led by people who have the faith I need. I am not stoic. I am not reserved as a person. We are the body and are all different parts... I am not the same part that the Lutheran church I attend must be. I am almost 30. I am tired of trying to fit when I don't. I love them, told him, but I can't let that guilt me into staying, when I could flourish in my rightful place as soon as I move to find it and God shows me. The point is that I worship and spend time with God... it should not matter where, as long as it is where God dwells... and He dwells where two or more are gathered in His name.
All this to say, this embracing of a journey that seems disheartening at times, is ever reminding me that I need my heart and soul nurtured. You have to keep stress down in the fertility process.... this teaches me to notice what causes me unhappiness or depression... and if I need to make a change or can make a change, I will do it. If I cannot, then, how do I think about it and handle it differently? I am being proactive. There are so many people on anti-depressants. I wish I could really sit down and help people understand that usually, we are all just a few minor adjustments from being content. It is the forcing yourself to dwell in a non-peaceful situation or an environment in which you do not belong that starts your mind down the path of depression, hanging out with those who tear you down and not build you up, etc. Your brain lets you know that danger is here or that this isn't for you--- signals you to change and you don't... speak up and you won't... move and you stay. You fight yourself from doing what is healthy, and you sacrifice your health. You stay, so your brain gets confused... and sad. Then time goes by and you wonder why you are unhappy, how long you have been unhappy, and how you got there.... but now you don't even know what to fix... so you take drugs, and think that something must be wrong with you...
I am living the only life I get.
I am responsible for the choices I make....
and the choices I forfeit.
I trust He will guide me as I keep walking while I have feet to do so... and prayerfully He will use me to help others as He has done before.
Depression begins when a triangle peg tries to fit into a circle-shaped hole. Even if you are doing it because you love other circles.... you are not a circle... love them, but don't sacrifice yourself. I have done it for so long, that maybe it took losing like Job... maybe it took, the depth of loss and not knowing where to go or what to do with my life from here to make me see the aimlessness in my past... the muddling through. My son gave me purpose... I was passionate about him... I refuse to live a life that is passionless and me-less. I am going to give it all I have got. I may belly flop, but I have to try to dive either way.
Today I start Femara and I am not scared of the side effects. My life will go and end as it should... my fear will only cause discomfort when I could have peace along the way... here goes.
I am so anxious to hold our next baby. I have dreeeeaaaams of our boys... they are always more boys ha!
PCOS is such a pain. I fear a diagnosis down the road that would make this journey of potential pregnancy just a dream, so we are embarking and have been for over six months. No success... and before we started the fertility process, we had gotten pregnant after almost six months of trying.... this ended in a miscarriage. Suffice it to say, trying to get pregnant for over a year is defeating. Definitely, it is a struggle to even be romantic, because though we know that we are coming together as husband and wife, we are coming together to bring new life into the world, and every month we are reminded that all our effort was unfruitful to extend our family. It is like college. You go. You pray you will get a degree, but after years, you do get worn down and some drop out. However, when we get that beautiful baby, or ha ha you get that degree.... the road traveled is seen in a different and more positive light... and hindsight is always 20/20... "we should have been more patient" "we should have just had more faith" "we should have relaxed more and just knew that it would happen" "we should have enjoyed the ride more now that we have the baby, I wish we would have made it feel less like a chore and spent more time with each other" but the truth is... right now, I am praying that I will have a baby, but I do not know how this will end. It is easy to say later that we should have enjoyed the ride knowing then that I were to be with child; for now, I no not that future as certain. It is very daunting a fear I fight. I know that what I am reaching for is only so much up to me to achieve. It is up to God first and foremost. It is up to my husband as a dedicated, willing participant to the journey. It is up to my Drs to keep track and plan out my next step. It is up to me to keep focused on good things in life and keep my attitude in check... it is up to me to be gentle with my husband; if I feel defeated, he must and I want this journey to continue, so I welcome him to relax and be himself around me without pressure to always meet my needs; I try and meet his needs.
I try to keep my faith in check, which is horrible, because I haven't read my Bible in forever and when I do I always feel as though I can't just read; I feel the pressure of remembering everything I read, so I study, take notes and try and apply everything, understand everything. I get defeated easily in life as I see things I believe for not come to pass. Millions of examples I could name, but more than all, I wanted my Mom, my StepDad, and my Parker to live, to be healed. God healed them. He knew what I meant though... and He did not let them stay with me. It is a fact, and I understand that He knows what we and they needed and sometimes we ask for things that are not for the best and as a good father, He knows what is best and doesn't always give us what we ask for. Because sometimes we don't understand that what we are asking for would cause pain or harm to another I am sure. Either way, it is hard to pray for things to come when I feel as though He will do as He wills either way and my prayer does nothing it seems.
I am realizing more and more that this is not the goal I should have in mind. It is not what I do; it is about what Christ has already done. I can only know what God wants me to know. I am getting better at knowing that what I need is what I need. I told out pastor that we were going to be looking at different churches over the next couple of months. He did not respond well. He said that they all had invested their hearts into us. The truth is, I need fed. After losing three of the most wonderful people in my life, I know that we are the church.... not some building. I need passionate, fiery faith to keep my heart and head about water when I have come so far to sinking. I need to be led by people who have the faith I need. I am not stoic. I am not reserved as a person. We are the body and are all different parts... I am not the same part that the Lutheran church I attend must be. I am almost 30. I am tired of trying to fit when I don't. I love them, told him, but I can't let that guilt me into staying, when I could flourish in my rightful place as soon as I move to find it and God shows me. The point is that I worship and spend time with God... it should not matter where, as long as it is where God dwells... and He dwells where two or more are gathered in His name.
All this to say, this embracing of a journey that seems disheartening at times, is ever reminding me that I need my heart and soul nurtured. You have to keep stress down in the fertility process.... this teaches me to notice what causes me unhappiness or depression... and if I need to make a change or can make a change, I will do it. If I cannot, then, how do I think about it and handle it differently? I am being proactive. There are so many people on anti-depressants. I wish I could really sit down and help people understand that usually, we are all just a few minor adjustments from being content. It is the forcing yourself to dwell in a non-peaceful situation or an environment in which you do not belong that starts your mind down the path of depression, hanging out with those who tear you down and not build you up, etc. Your brain lets you know that danger is here or that this isn't for you--- signals you to change and you don't... speak up and you won't... move and you stay. You fight yourself from doing what is healthy, and you sacrifice your health. You stay, so your brain gets confused... and sad. Then time goes by and you wonder why you are unhappy, how long you have been unhappy, and how you got there.... but now you don't even know what to fix... so you take drugs, and think that something must be wrong with you...
I am living the only life I get.
I am responsible for the choices I make....
and the choices I forfeit.
I trust He will guide me as I keep walking while I have feet to do so... and prayerfully He will use me to help others as He has done before.
Depression begins when a triangle peg tries to fit into a circle-shaped hole. Even if you are doing it because you love other circles.... you are not a circle... love them, but don't sacrifice yourself. I have done it for so long, that maybe it took losing like Job... maybe it took, the depth of loss and not knowing where to go or what to do with my life from here to make me see the aimlessness in my past... the muddling through. My son gave me purpose... I was passionate about him... I refuse to live a life that is passionless and me-less. I am going to give it all I have got. I may belly flop, but I have to try to dive either way.
Today I start Femara and I am not scared of the side effects. My life will go and end as it should... my fear will only cause discomfort when I could have peace along the way... here goes.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Jason's 29
So my handsome husband's birthday is today. I am aaaaaaaaall excited. I have made a vanilla cake (two layers with chocolate in the middle, cream cheese frosting and a math problem decorated on top that equals his age. HOw cool!?! I cannot wait to share his day with many loved ones. NOW to ClEaN House!
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