Parker Would be Two

Today is his birthday... Course two years ago I still had six hours and five minutes to go till he arrived.  I am sad today, but I know my sister Rachel is right.  Our loved ones would want us to live.  So I have painted all day long.  I have done nothing else but paint and visit with friends.  Tomorrow is Jason's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON

Parker would be turning 2 tomorrow. My sweet baby. How I still see you and your big bright blues. I wonder what you are doing up there? I miss you down here. How strange that amidst the snow, just now I look up and through my porch window I see a bright red cardinal (my mother's fave bird) seriously as I am typing, and now flown away. It is a reminder to me of something good. I don't know what it is, but tears come now along with a soft smile spreading because there seems to be something wonderful that I don't yet know. I don't know what I believe about people passed getting to check in or watch us, but I do know, I feel her, and at times like these when it happens at this exact moment, when I need it too, I almost think she is. Letting me know they've got him. Happy birthday my sweet MonkeyBear.

Aunt Mary Going Home

My mom's husband Jim has a sister named Mary.  I haven't really gotten to see much of her since her son died and she moved.  It has me reflecting on Mom's death as I know what surely her close family feels at this time.  I pray for peace and comfort.  I pray for her to have no pain.  I hope that this transition to Heaven come swiftly for her.  I thank God that we who believe do not die.  Our bodies do, but our Spirits go home.  Here was only temporary.  It is the only home I have come to know, but deep inside, that God-shaped-hole reminds me there is somewhere different.  Better.  No more loss.  All that seemed lost here, my loved ones, will be waiting for me there.... in my Savior's arms I shall weep no more, for I will have all I need.

Oh Boy

I smoke tonight... I was so energized after I got off work and just did.  No excuses.  Tomorrow will be better.

I didn't even have a bad day.  I had a great day.  Why is it that I have no real issues quitting the first couple of days to three days then out of nowhere, it is a bite in the butt?

Tomorrow.

Day Two of Quit

Let me just start by saying I ate WAY too much candy last night.  I do not "do" Halloween and very disappointed that my church gets involved in it, by doing Trunk or Treat.  NEEDLESS to say, my husband brought home an amount of candy that should only be in a house that participates in these festivities.  He didn't open the door and hand it out, (which I am thankful) so I asked for what purpose other that gorging did he get all of it.  Apparently he wanted to bring it to work for the guys to have at it. Well, the thing about quitting smoking is you want to snack, and your sugar levels go a little low your first couple of days, so I started snacking (also to keep down any anger or irrational mood-swing-spells which happen when you confront the cigarette junky within----it's funny though, that he can be tamed with a ridiculous amount of candy, lol.  Nerds (my personal favorite), Tootsie Roll Pops, Fun Size Snickers, the big mints that disintegrate in your mouth they moment they hit your spit (another fave), etc.

I probably didn't go to sleep last night at all.  I probably crashed out from the overdosing and inevitable drop in sugar levels... ha ha...  thank goodness I am not diabetic (nor do I intend to continue to treat my body this way--but I play All's Fair in the Quit--- after I am not a lunatic form withdrawals I will incorporate my whole food regimen back in..)

 Thursday I go to the Allergy Specialist.  He ran blood tests to tell me for sure all that I am allergic to.  I know I went in March to a homeopathic doctor, but I want a followup with a specialist to confirm, as these diet changes are so drastic and expensive, and I am not sure what is causing the sinus cavity to be draining and inflamed all the time...  another reason I am no longer a smoker.  We don't have money to waste with unnecessary diet changes and cigarettes.

Day 2 has gone very well.  Dull headache, but that could be due to the fact that I have not drank caffeine since I smoked Sunday.  Can't tell.  Regardless, I don't ever drink caffeine unless I am smoking... so I guess I am doing two things at once either way =)  I am off today and have no plans... probably be lazy. I am not expecting much from myself until I am sure I won't bite people's heads off... and it is my decision to quit, not my husband's (who is still smoking)... I can do this... and I can do it without getting into ANY stressful chats with him about why is he won't quit.  I have to do it first.  Show him that I can keep up with it... then start gently nudging him as well.  Lord, please lead me.

Cigarette Quit; Take 82,096-----ACTION

So I have decided to quit smoking after another night of sleeping where I wasn't breathing very well, making it very hard to sleep.  I have two days off and a great time to get started, AGAIN!  I am ready to quit this nasty drug I do like I enjoy, though I couldn't hate it more.  Someone said to me the other day, "Even though you go outside, I never would have guessed you were a smoker.  You just don't seem like one to me."

Well, I decided. I don't seem like a smoker to me either. Thank you Jesus.  And I don't want to look like one either, so I better start making good decisions now.  I can't do anything about yesterday, but I can do alot about today. Day one is going well =)

Clomid Eve

So tomorrow we start a fertility drug:  Clomid.  I was really nervous today about it but for some reason, it is gone now.  I think it is because tomorrow I am meeting Dr Julie Blackwell.  Hopefully she will guide me through this process with my husband safely and educationally.  I have always felt better when I understood what was going on.  When it comes to medical jargon, I get it when they take the time to explain.  I understand better than most medically uneducated recipients.  However, you have to really let the Drs know you want all the information, because they will snow over the details and blow you off only because they are busy, people don't understand anyway, and most don't really even want to know; they just want the answer and the action (or drug). Dr Steelmon here in Claremore is not doing a good job of taking the time to make me feel comfortable; I feel rushed and uninformed.  Her staff is rude most of the time we converse.  For example, the last time I "bugged" them, I was asking if I needed to go to the ER due to my miscarriage I was having at home.  They were uncaring and very "whatever.  if you are worried about it then go".  I can't do it.  This experience has been hard enough without adding the stress of behavioral warfare.  I am going to go to a specialist where people are hired to be understanding because, like me, all those patients have been through loss and having a rough time.  I can't tolerate unnecessary attitudes during what could be enjoyable parts of this process.  So tomorrow.  I am so thankful I made an appointment and that they scheduled it so soon.  Thank you Lord.... protect me.  Heal my womb. Grow babies to full term,  healthy and strong in my very ready and blessed womb in Jesus name.